Stealing Virtue

I moved! But not where I thought I would...

2011-01-14T06:33:00.004-06:00

So........ I lied. I didn't move back to Texas. I'm still in Chicago and loving it! I had a very last minute (like with less than a week to go) change of heart and decided to stay in Chicago indefinitely. The decision came when I realized that I have a great life here that I want to expand on and I really did NOT want to move back to Texas. The more time I have spent outside of my home state, the more I realize that, although I love Dallas and Austin, the state as a whole is not a very good fit for me. Even the suburbs of those cities are not very friendly toward guys like me (read: gay).

That being said, I moved from my old place in the "Gold Coast" area of the city, which is located in an old, wealthy, and primarily senior citizen heavy district of the city. It was great for law school because I was close to the school, but now that I've graduated I decided it was time to move up by people my own age and live in an area with more age-appropriate things to do. I moved into the Lakeview/Boystown neighborhood and have already made some good friends up here as well as met a great guy who just happens to live three blocks away.

Speaking of guys: the last few months have been CRAZY where boys are concerned. I've never been so emotionally screwed up by a guy who hadn't actually done anything to me or even bad for me! No need to go into details, but in the end I decided it was best if we're just friends. He's a very intriguing and sweet guy, whose friendship I wouldn't give up for anything in the world; however, for the time being we are not a good match. In-fact, it's because of him that I met the wonderful man I am currently with, who also happens to have asked me to be his boyfriend (exclusivity FTW!!! Yay!) tonight. So in the end, I think things are going pretty well in life. Moving on.

I am currently focused on three things in life at the moment: (1) studying for the bar exam; (2) not letting my studies for the bar exam destroy my life or my soul; and (3) trying to make new friends and spend as much time as possible, despite my 7-days-a-week study schedule, with my new boyfriend. So far that has left almost no time for playing video games (I'm a WoW addict, what can I say?). Once things settle down a little more, I'm going to try to get back into playing games. I think it will help keep me balanced. Every time I completely abandon my game and my friends (yes, I actually have friends in the games), I start to forget how to unwind and relax. It's not that I don't have fun, I do, but I forget how to just set back and let the stresses go.

Anyway, I just thought I should post and update my blog so when I look back on my life in a few years I'll have a record of the stupid things I've done, or perhaps a memento of the beginning to my wonderful new phase of life. I have met some of the most wonderful and influential people in my life in the last three years; I hope the next three prove just as fruitful, if not a little less stressful!

Woot! I'm graduated from law school! Now just those pesky bar exams in multiple states because I was too shortsighted to make my decision to stay sooner.......... :)

Time To Move On... Again

2010-11-17T05:49:00.002-06:00

First off, this post is NOT about relationships, but rather a more general moving on: I am about to graduate from law school! Woot! So much has happened in the last two and a half years, but it's all led up to this. It seems that although I have been through a great deal, most of it great, my life has come full circle.

When I first came to law school, I had a wonderful boyfriend (who, despite my past blogs or comments to the contrary, is still a wonderful person, even if he is no longer my boyfriend), I had good friends, good family, and I was excited to live in Chicago, not have a car, and be part of the big city. Then I got to the city, got settled in, and started school. I had a hard time making good, quality friends, and the ones I did make ended up being pretty bad for me and my relationship. My boyfriend and I tried long distance for awhile, and eventually he moved to Chicago despite some problems. In the end, he and I just weren't right for each other, so he moved out and met a guy he's happy with, I realized the friends I'd made were bad for me and had made me not a very happy or good person, and I left the country for the summer, traveled abroad, and made some of the best friends I've ever had.

Now, it's time to graduate, and I'm moving back to Dallas. Chicago has been a good place to live for the last couple of years, but it was never home. It wasn't that Chicago couldn't be home or that it never could be, but that it simply never was. I'm going to be sad to leave the incredible group of people I recently befriended, but this just isn't the city I'm supposed to be in right now. My family and I are closer than ever, my sisters are growing up and quickly becoming some of my favorite people (helps when you don't live with tweens and teens on a daily basis), and I really do miss Dallas.

I hope I get back to blogging more, but I found myself in a sad, but not depressed, mood tonight and felt the need to write it down, hopefully so that if nothing else, someday I'll be able to read this and remember how I felt at the moment.

Back in Chicago

2010-03-28T16:34:00.003-05:00

So, after a productive, but not terribly relaxing Spring Break, I'm back in Chicago. I got back last night and just relaxed. I tried to enjoy the last night of break before I had to get back to work. It was nice just to do nothing.

Today, I have been planning for my study abroad trips this summer. I bought my tickets, which turned out to be pretty easy to do, although it was still a little mind boggling. Chicago to Beijing, Beijing to Hong Kong (lay over), Hong Kong to Sydney, Sydney to Los Angeles (lay over), Los Angeles to Dallas, and finally Dallas to Chicago. All in all, it's going to be a busy summer, but I got it done. Now I just have to find someone that can get my trips to Beijing and the one from Sydney to Dallas upgraded to business or first class. That would make everything much better :)

Planning the flights makes the trip all the more real. It's a done deal now. No backing out. All I have left to do is pay the rest of tuition for the trips and turn in a couple of forms. Scary. At least paying for things has been made easier this last week with the passing of my grandfather. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy he's gone (although it's not the saddest event either, since he wasn't always the nicest person), but he did leave just enough to cover the trips. He wanted the money he left to go to education, so he gets his wish and I get to go on an amazing series of trips this summer. All in all, everyone gets what he wanted from that.

I'm actually excited to go back to class this week, because it means I'm finishing this semester, then I get to go abroad to study, and then I only have one semester left before I graduate, move back to Texas to be with my family, and start a life outside of the academic world. It's a wonderful thought, even if it is a bit scary, but I suppose I have to join the "real" world eventually!

Back to work I go!

Losing Someone - A Death in the Family

2010-03-24T01:12:00.002-05:00

It's amazing how much death affects the world, but how little we know about it, or why it's sometimes a tragedy, and sometimes a blessing. This last weekend, my grandfather passed away. It's been stressful dealing with everything, but wholly unemotional. I wasn't close to him, and he did nothing but make my life difficult, simply for the sake of being a pain in the ass. He made my mother upset every time he came to visit, he was the cause of innumerable fights in my house growing up, and he never once showed remorse.

So, of course, despite having no really positive feelings towards him, I'm going with my mother to his house tomorrow in order to help go through things and figure out what to sell, what to keep, and talk to his lawyer. It should prove interesting since my mother hasn't quite decided whether she's sad he's gone, indifferent, or glad. Maybe this trip will help her to figure that out.

As for me, I realized with his passing that I never want to end up like him. I don't want to hate people or spend my life trying to make them miserable in the name of doing it for their own good. My grandfather believed that if you didn't do it his way, then it was the wrong way, regardless of whether there was a better way, or an equally acceptable method, to do something. I know, to some extent, I too think that my way is the best way, but I try very hard not to force that off on other people, although I sometimes feel like people do think that. I think many people feel like I care how they do something, and the honest truth is, I don't.

I'm always willing to share my opinion when asked for it, and sometimes offer it even when it's not solicited because I think it might help, but I don't like forcing it upon other people. I feel like everyone has to do his or her own thing, in his or her own time, in his or her own way. There are very few "right" or "wrong" ways to accomplish goals in life. There are right ways to wash dishes, there are right ways to do laundry; there is not a "right" way to live your life, choose your friends, or be successful. Everyone measures success and happiness in different ways, so how could there be a "right," or even "best" method?

Anyway, I'm going to Arkansas (and people think Texas is backwards...) for a couple days to help sort all of this stuff out. I hope it's not too awful. If nothing else, I get to come back with a sword and some first edition books; it won't be a total loss.

Being Home

2010-03-22T11:09:00.002-05:00

I'm home this week for spring break and having some seriously mixed emotions about it. I love seeing my family and friends. I love the city. But it's making me realize that when I move back here, it won't be the same place I left. The city hasn't actually changed, nor have a great many of the people, but I have. In the time since I've moved away, I'll have finished law school, lived downtown in the third largest city in the country, made new friends, learned a different way of life, known what it is to be truly cold, and lost love.

I'm not saying that I'm having second thoughts about moving back, because I'm not (at least not yet). I know I can't stay in Chicago; it's just not home and I don't enjoy being there. The weather and the way of city life up there just doesn't work for me. Maybe it would if I were in a different place in my life, but who knows. Nonetheless, there are things I'm going to miss, and it would be stupid of me to deny that.

Spring Break has given me the time I usually don't have to think. I haven't gotten all upset about my ex suddenly or anything, but I guess I just realized that he's moving on with his life, not just seeing other guys, and I'm not a part of it anymore. I know that was the intention of going our separate ways, but it's still a bit hard to think about. We were part of each other's lives for so long; it's hard not to feel a little left out.

Oh well. No use looking back. I've got an amazing summer planned where I'll be studying abroad in China and Australia for two months, I'll be home to see my family, and then I start my last semester of law school. It's so weird to think about it being over in less than a year; it feels like I've just begun. Then it's back to Dallas, finding a job, passing the bar exam, finding a place to live, and making a new life. A life that isn't centered around school. A life where I finally have money to occasionally do what I want to do without constantly worrying. A life where maybe, just maybe, I can make some friends that don't walk all over me or have such low self-esteem that they feel the need to spend more time blacked out than conscious. Maybe I'll even have a life where I can find love and give him all of me.

I'm not looking for love right now, however. It's one of those things you look back on and think, "wow, I miss that," but at the same time you think, "but now there are more important things; maybe I'll come back to it someday." I won't turn down Mr. Right if he shows up and sweeps me off my feet, but I'm not searching for him. It used to be my fantasy to come home to a sweet, sexy guy, but I had that and it wasn't what I thought it was going to be. He was great, despite screwing me over in the end, and he was always kind and loving to me, but something was missing (well, several things were missing, including trust). It just didn't quite fulfill me the way I thought it would, so I'm taking a break from searching for love and focusing on the rest of life.

I've also taken a break from sex, which everyone thinks I'm crazy for. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't have sex again until I was in love again. I'm not sure that's really plausible, or even possible, but I just feel like if I set the bar that high, then I'm less likely to want to lower the bar, or bend the rule, because I'd have to completely break it. In the past, my usual way of dealing with a break up would be to jump into a new relationship, with someone I thought was cute but completely incompatible, and have meaningless sex. This time, however, I decided that never worked in the past, so maybe I should try something else. Not to mention, if I just started sleeping with someone else, it would somehow mean that sex was nothing more than just sex, that sex with my ex, or my first boyfriend, or my future partner, was meaningless, because it wasn't attached to any emotion.

Anyway, I've just been rambling from topic to topic. I think it's time for me to wrap this already long blog post up. Hopefully I'll have a more fun post about Spring Break later. This was just a rant about my emotions. I have actually been doing fun things, too!

Laundry

2010-03-17T18:16:00.006-05:00

I hate doing laundry. I mean, it's possibly my least favorite activity in the entire world, falling short only to pulling weeds. It's gotten to the point that I will put off doing it for weeks, sometimes even buying more underwear so that I don't have to wash clothes yet. I really need to get into the habit of doing laundry each week, but I just hate it so much, and it's sooooo easy to make up an excuse not to do it. This weeks excuses included (1) "I'm going on spring break, so I should wait to wash clothes until I'm ready to leave so that they're clean," which perpetually pushed the date later and later, followed by (2) "It's too late to do it tonight" when I get home from class at 9:30 each night.

Basically, it's Wednesday, my class for this evening was canceled, and I leave tomorrow morning on my trip home. I managed to put laundry off for 11 days and now it's taken me less than an hour to do it all. It's really quite pathetic. I made excuse after excuse and it took less than an hour. Really now, that's bordering on EXTREME laziness.

Oh well, my laundry's clean and this was a pointless entry, but it's better than folding the pile of clothes now sitting on my bed getting wrinkled. I mean, I could even go ahead and just pack so that would be done too, but why mess with a system that absolutely doesn't work?

Hope everyone is enjoying the warmer weather (in most parts of the US)!

Andrew

Spring Break 2010

2010-03-17T01:05:00.002-05:00

All I can say about Spring Break this year is that it can't come soon enough. At this point, I'm just ready to be out for a week. I don't even care about class anymore! Oh well, only two more days and then I get to go home, see my friends, my family, and relax. I have stuff to work on, but it'll still beat going to class every day.

Speaking of vacations, I'm going to be taking a rather long vacation/trip this summer. I'm going to be studying abroad in China and Australia. I'll be spending a month in Beijing and a month in Sydney studying international and domestic law in each country. It should prove to be a lot of fun and very rewarding. In addition, the credits I'll earn by doing the two programs will allow me to graduate in December of this year, a semester early, which means I can take the BAR exam earlier and move back home sooner, both of which are good things!

Overall, life is good. Nothing to complain about. I gave up sex for... well, I'd say lent, but that would be a lie; I just gave it up in general. I figure, if I don't love the guy, why sleep with him. It cheapens the sex I had/have with guys I do/have loved. I might break down at some point, but so far my resolve is pretty strong.

Hope all is well with the rest of the world, because I sure as hell don't get to see any of it lately!

Andrew

Bad dreams

2010-02-22T01:26:00.005-06:00

Do you ever have those kinds of dreams where you wake up and can't shake the emotions you got from the dream? Lately, I seem to be having more of those than I'd care to have, especially since the dreams are always upsetting. Why can't I get one with puppies and rainbows? Instead, I get ones with dead friends, dead lovers, and dead ends. It's incredibly frustrating to keep waking up so upset, because then my entire day I'm upset. I've got a somewhat permanent knot in my stomach going lately. I'm really hoping it passes.

As for everything else, it's going. School is going, life is going, friends are going. Going, going, going. Ok, that might be a bit more nonchalant than I really mean, but it's sort of true. Everything is just kind of going on. I guess I'm in that stage after a relationship ends where you have to redefine yourself. I don't feel that I "lost" myself in the last relationship, but it's impossible not to change, so when you're single again, it takes some getting used to. So far, I'm not used to it; however, I do LOVE not being woken up by snoring or being kicked or hit. That part I do not miss. But I do miss the cuddling and the 5am-my-cock-is-hard-and-I-love-you-so-take-it-and-love-it sex. That I do miss.

Speaking of sex, I'm trying this whole celibacy thing. In the past, although I'm not quick to jump into a new relationship, I have, on more than a few occasions, felt that the best way to deal with being single was to jump into bed with the next sorta cute guy that showed interest in me. This time I'm waiting until I feel that I might, or at least could, have a relationship with someone before even considering sex with him. Unless he's super, super hot; then we'll talk. There might have to be some bargaining on that one.

Anyway, life is good; I had a great weekend. I went to see Rocky Horror with my friends, and that was a lot of fun. I actually wore eyeliner and next time I'm gonna try to do it even better! (For anyone who knows me, that might come as a shock, lol). I'm having fun, I'm going out, and I'm making new friends, so overall things are good. Some days are tough, but mostly, life goes on.

*** NOTE: I read this post again and realized that not only did I take him back after that crap, but I didn't even remember it. It's amazing how stupid I can be. I mean, I even said in that post that the only reason I wanted to write it down was so that I wouldn't repeat that mistake. Ugh. It's amazing what we do for love. Completely gloss over things.

"Mourn the losses, for they are many, but celebrate the victories, because they are few."

To date, or not to date, that is the question.

2010-02-16T12:56:00.004-06:00

So, I can't decide if I should be dating or not. I have mixed feelings about the whole idea. I'm recently single from what we can safely call an unhealthy, if not destructive, relationship, and I'm not sure that it's fair to try and date yet. Not fair to me, not fair to him; just not fair. Now I'm not really a big proponent of blaming "fairness," especially since life is definitely not fair, nor will it ever be, but I still aim to do the right thing that causes the least harm to everyone involved.

I just want to meet some cool guys, gay or straight, to hang out with. I miss having guy friends. The problem I've encountered so far is that every guy I meet either wants more than a friendship from me, or he wants nothing to do with me. Personally, I don't want a fuck buddy or a friend with benefits. I see the appeal in either one, especially since I'm only staying in Chicago for another year at most; however, that's just not who I want to be. I'd rather be celibate than deal with the fallout and the complications and the health risks associated with sleeping around.

Anyway, there's one guy in particular, who, if it was six months later or I was single six months earlier, would be a perfect guy to try to date, but he's gotten a little too attached, a little too quickly, and although I've told him we need to go slow and that I really just want friends right now, I'm not sure how that will work. Is it possible to be "just" friends with a guy who has a crush on you? Or is it just doomed to failure and drama, particularly if you meet someone else?

Oh well. I should be in class right now, but instead I'm still in bed. My head's all stuffy and my neck hurts (sinus crap), so I'm gonna go drug myself up with Dayquil and attempt to get down to school for the second half of a very long day.

A Return

2010-02-08T01:42:00.003-06:00

It's been way too long. I don't care if anyone else reads my blog, but I miss it. I always say that after I take a break, but it's true! I wonder why I stop, but then I realize that the reasons I stop writing are the reasons I shouldn't stop. Oh well. It's a paradox.

So, for my latest bout of being lame, I'm single again, by the same person as the last two and a half years, for the same reason. You'd think I'd learn (and let's hope I have this time), but it does seem as though I'm a bit of a glutton for punishment. I'm a repeat offender. I'm not going to try and analyze the break up; if you want to know why, read my older posts. It's nothing new. He moved to Chicago to be with me, realized he couldn't wait for me to be done with school, and moved out.

What I do want to talk about is how I feel now, what I learned. Not about the relationship, per se, but just about things I've realized now that probably would have been good to know during the relationship. To start, I realize now that my ex likes to go out: just not with me. He always told me he didn't have money to go out, that he didn't want to go out, that he'd rather stay home. Problem is, that was a lie. He loves going out, and I wish we'd have gone out together. Instead, on the rare occasions either of us went out (both of us being broke; another issue, but not one for the blog), we went out separately and came home drunk to the other person. It would have been nice to come home drunk together occasionally.

Also, I never realized just how much I hated him telling me about all the guys that hit on him. I tried to ignore it, or even just take it as a compliment that my boyfriend was so hot, but it really really bugged me. After you hear it enough times, it stops sounding like, "hey, this guy hit on me," and starts sounding like, "hey, you're not good enough; look who I could be with." I know that's probably not what he intended, but it's how it made me feel. It made it hard to trust him, and eventually it made me resent him. Of course it has just as much to do with my own insecurities, but nonetheless, it hurt.

Lastly, or at least the last one I'm going to write about, I learned that I have no fucking clue what I want from a guy. My ex is a good person, a good boyfriend, and a great lover. He did his best, but since I'm not sure what I want, and he's not sure what he wants, it never worked. I'm always torn between my school/professional life and my personal life. I have a very difficult time balancing the two. When I worked, it wasn't such a big deal. I don't know why I take school so much more seriously, but I suppose it's because school is such a big investment and I don't want to fuck it up, especially since I'm not the one paying for it.

In the end, the relationship didn't last. He moved out a couple weeks ago and I've dealt with it as well as I know how. So far this has been my healthiest breakup as far as the choices I've made to deal with it. At least this time I haven't tried jumping into another relationship or into the nearest bottle of booze. I miss him, but I also feel like there's less pressure. I wish I knew this for sure, but I feel like he's probably happier now. He doesn't feel like he has to live up to my unbelievably, even impossible (although they're all ephemeral and stupid), high standards, and he gets to do what he wants without worrying what I think. I never really cared what he did, short of drugs, but he always felt like I was judging him, that I didn't approve. Even though that wasn't true, I'm sure that's how he felt. I just wanted to be included, but no matter what happened, I was always finding out afterward. I wasn't the one he asked for help or advice or anything else; he did that with his friends; I was just guy he slept next to and fucked. Whenever I asked why he didn't include me, he just said I was busy and he didn't want to disturb me. So when he came home and told me about everything he'd done, whatever it may have been, I just felt resentful and acted distant. It wasn't the right response, but it's what happened.

Anyway, that relationship, for the time being at least, is over in all its forms. I wish it had worked out. I wish we'd figured out how to talk to each other. I wish I wasn't so concerned with stupid, irrelevant shit, but I've got another year of stupid irrelevant shit to deal with in school, so until then, oh well. At the very least, I wish we could be friends, because I'd like to know what he's doing, even if I'm not included, but that just sounds extraordinarily painful at the moment. Not falling apart when I don't see him, or talk to him, or read anything about him is hard enough.

They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I have to agree. The pain of losing it is awful, but it pales compared to the immense joy loving someone can bring.

C'est la vie.

Happy Birthday and Halloween

2009-11-04T16:41:00.004-06:00

Well, I'm 23. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but it's not as bad as I thought it was going to be, haha. My birthday was great; my mom came to visit me, went shopping, ate a lot of good food, drank a lot (ok, a ton) of great wine and booze, and generally had a fantastic time with my friends and the boyfriend. I really couldn't have hoped for a better birthday seeing as how it fell right in the middle of the biggest project I've ever had.

Speaking of my project, I got it done early! I actually managed to not do work on my birthday, or at least nothing really depressing and draining. I actually got to relax. It was good times, or at least it didn't suck.

Saturday was Halloween (in-case you missed it) and I was so worn out by the time it got here that it turned into an early evening. My best friends got crazy with their costumes, one in Wonder Woman, the other in Poison Ivy, both of which were either entirely homemade or mostly homemade costumes. They turned out great and it was the source of great amounts of entertainment. All except their makeup, which was comprised of a substantial amount of glitter, and I HATE glitter, so the fact that the drunker they got, the more they wanted to hug me, was not going over well. I was not thrilled to be covered in green and gold glitter. Oh well, I guess that's what lint rollers are for.

We stopped off at a party being thrown by a couple of classmates and that was a lot of fun. Met some new people and got to see others I haven't seen since last year. It was a good time. Lots of crazy in one place, but I suppose that's to be expected when a bunch of law students get together.

I bailed shortly after that. My best friend fell down a flight of stairs, so I had to get her back to safety, and then she decided to rally and continue with the night and I decided I'd head home before I spent the night babysitting. Before I left I made sure to tell the owner of the bar to cut her off, so I felt like I'd done my job. I came home, watched TV, drank some apple cider, curled up and passed out. It was a very long week and it culminated on Halloween and daylight savings time change. I took advantage of the extra hour of sleep.

Today turned out to be an extension of my birthday, but it wasn't really planned that way. Some of my family members sent cash (they're smart people) as gifts, so this afternoon my friend and I decided to spend it. I went on a bit of a DVD/Music shopping spree (spree might be an exaggeration). When I got done with my shopping and walked up to the counter to pay, I realized that my selections would be at home in an eight year old's collection: How The Grinch Stole Christmas (the original, not the crap Jim Carey version), Mickey's Christmas Carol (a classic), Snow White Collector's Edition, and the GLEE soundtrack. Of course I had to get all the movies on Blu-Ray, so it ended up being a bit more expensive than I thought at first pass, but no big. Still not breaking the bank. More than I have in a long time, though. I just don't have any money to shop with anymore; I miss it!

When I got home I opened my GLEE soundtrack and immediately transferred the songs to my PC and iPod and found that there were several tracks available on iTunes that aren't on the CD, so I had to buy those too. Should have just bought the whole thing on iTunes, but there's still something about having the actual disc that is appealing. Now I'm sitting here listening to the cast of GLEE belt out some great songs (and some only-great-because-the-GLEE-cast-is-singing-it songs). It's a fun afternoon. Much better than being in class like usual. I'm so very glad my professors are all world-renowned experts in their fields this semester, so they're always traveling and giving conferences that cause classes to be moved. It keeps things interesting. I probably won't be quite as happy next Monday when I have a double class for the one we missed today.

AHHHHHH!!!

2009-10-14T22:35:00.003-05:00

I HATE when people cough a phrase under their breath, or giggle, or laugh, or smirk, or give "that" look and then refuse to share what was so funny. Nothing infuriates me more than being someone's inside joke. If you have something to say, just say it. Some people might argue the old childhood adage, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all," or it's simply a means to annoy. Now, when it's people I don't like, or people I don't care about that are doing it, I usually just shrug it off. I find it to be incredibly rude, but since I don't really care what they have to say, it isn't worth it to me. However, when someone I care about, a friend, a relative, a boyfriend, whatever, does it, I become livid.

Okay, so I'm getting ahead of myself. The short version of the story is this:

The boyfriend and I were laying on the couch watching TV, when he starts to laugh. I ask him what and he refuses to tell me. I inquire again, laughing a bit myself, thinking he's going to tell me now because that's what people usually do, but he refuses. Now I'm starting to get frustrated. As his excuse not to tell me, he says, "No, I don't want to. It's mean and I don't want to hurt your feelings." Of course, the only thing I can think is, "hey, moron! You've already hurt my feelings, so just tell me what you were thinking already!" I didn't actually say that, but perhaps I should have. Things just went downhill from there, needless to say.

I don't know; I'm being completely irrational I suppose, but things have not been great lately. Last week he came home and asked me if it would be okay if he was in a modeling shoot, kissing another guy. Not only did I find this to be a completely asinine question, but I thought he had lost his mind. I mean, who says that?! Yes, there are couples who make allowances for on-screen kisses, acting, etc., but I draw the line at a semi-artistic modeling photo where he's kissing another guy. Anyway, that made me not trust him, so the fact that now he won't tell me things he's thinking, isn't helping.

AHHH!

I needed to rant.

Andrew

I need a job!

2009-10-13T17:36:00.002-05:00

Ok, so if anyone knows of a law firm in California (anywhere), Texas (Dallas/Ft. Worth), or Chicago, that is hiring for summer interns next year, please let me know! Or better yet, if you know of a company who has a lot of intellectual property (trademarks, copyrights, patents) to defend and has in-house counsel, I could use an internship there, too!

Thanks!

Birthday, Legal Writing, and the Future, OH MY!

2009-10-12T23:01:00.004-05:00

The last couple of weeks have been insane, to say the least. I've been trying to stay ahead of the game in school, but so far, despite best efforts, it seems I never manage to do anymore than barely keep up. I set aside time to do additional reading, I decline invitations to social functions, and I make a concerted effort to start my projects before the "last minute." The problem, especially with the latter mentioned projects, is that "last minute" means any time less than a week prior to the due date. That means that in order to actually be ahead, I have to start the instant I get an assignment; however, when we get an assignment I'm usually still recovering from the last one, including trying to physically/mentally recover, but also catch up on all the reading for the rest of my classes that I neglected while writing the last assignment. It's a vicious cycle that I really don't think I can win; all I can hope is that I don't fuck up so badly I can't recover. Better yet, just get to the end of the semester and collapse.

On a somewhat happier note, my birthday is just around the corner. Unfortunately, one of the aforementioned projects is due the day after my birthday. It's a strong motivation to get done early. Anyway, for anyone who knows me even reasonably well, they will know that I hate celebrating my birthday; it's just another day and you're only one day older than you were the day before. It's completely stupid. That being said, I'm actually looking forward to this one. It's a big birthday in the fact that it's the first birthday in a few years that actually has no external connotations. There's nothing necessarily associated with 23. 17 was graduation, 18 is adulthood, 19 was a welcome to the real world with a real job, 20 is 20, 21 is drinking, and 22 is not being 21 anymore. 23 feels appropriately meaningless, and for that I am happy.

While on the topic of age, I have to ask; what is the appropriate age to realize that the selfish things you used to want may have to give way to new desires, such as having a family? I wouldn't be thinking about this, except being gay creates an entirely different and unique set of problems towards having a family. It takes a lot of time, money, and energy, not to mention self-reflection in deciding when, with whom, where, and how. I don't know; it's just something I find myself thinking about lately. I'm by no means ready now, but it's something I feel I have to consider as I make plans for the next five years. I'm definitely not the type to plan on solely having a career for the next five to ten years and putting everything else on hold. Not gonna happen, but I do need to know where I'm headed, at least a general idea. Even if it changes, it's nice to have something "out there" to pursue.

Stay tuned for coming posts about my birthday, my insane friends, Halloween, and the general frustrations life brings.

All Images Copyright of their respective owners (which I couldn't find).

"Wake up in the morning with a head like 'what ya done?'"

2009-09-26T09:37:00.002-05:00

The remorse of drinking. Fortunately my remorse extends only to myself and my now aching body, but at least I didn't offend anyone or do anything too stupid.

Now I'm trying to decide if I should go back to sleep after chugging four glasses of water, or if I should attempt to do research yet. I have a feeling I'll end up doing neither, but at least I can pretend to have attempted to be productive.

Maybe I just need some good music.

It's been forever!

2009-09-19T12:20:00.002-05:00

So, time for an update, finally. I keep meaning to write a new blog entry, but every time I sit down to do it, I don't. It's a bit infuriating, actually!

Anyway, so let me catch everyone up real quick. I started the school year, and it's kicking my ass. Thus far I have done two all nighters, both for the same assignment, I've had several dreams regarding remedies and trademarks, and I'm still attempting to work! All that being said, I'm quite enjoying this year. I'm finally getting to take some classes I'm interested in, that are focused on my area of study: intellectual property. I really am beginning to see why this area appeals to me: it's all about protecting expression, and that's something I value in society. Art, literature, computer programs, designs, sculpture, etc., it all needs to be protected, so I'm glad I've found a way to do that.

The world outside of law school does continue to spin, although I'm not sure it's always spinning at the same speed those of us inside the school are spinning, but hey, at least I still catch a glimpse of "reality" occasionally. My boyfriend and I are doing great, I love having him here. He's having a hard time making friends since everyone he works with already has their own life. I hope he finds someone; I love him, but lord knows I am NOT the kind of affectionate, perpetually attentive kind of person.

Speaking of friends, I've spent the last few days helping my friend develop her Halloween costume (yes, I know Halloween isn't for another month, but who knows when in October we'll have time to work on it). She's going as Wonder Woman; so far we have the boots, the skirt (not doing the leotard look; too cold in Chi by the end of October), and the belt figured out, but we're still trying to figure out how to pull of silver bracers, a gold tiara and belt, and the red corset. If anyone has any ideas how to do these, on the cheap, mind you, let me know!

I promise I'll try to do a better job updating!

Andrew

(Hey, there's a copyright in all of this, except the picture, which is someone else's copyright that's being used fairly here! Don't infringe it! (or do; I could use the money from a lawsuit!))

A New Life

2009-07-09T05:16:00.003-05:00

So, it's finally happened. The boyfriend/ex/boyfriend/ex/boyfriend again has finally made the leap and moved across the country to give "us" a chance. He moved a couple of weeks ago, and so far, so good! We're happy and enjoying being together. That being said, it's not always perfect. We do have our disagreements and we occasionally get on each others' nerves, but no more than any two people learning to live together. The good thing is that we don't fight, we don't even really argue; we simply talk about what we don't like and move on; it works.

As for the rest of life; I'm bored. I want to go back to school. This whole summer thing just doesn't work for me. Yes, I have a job, but it's not much more interesting than watching paint dry, so I'm constantly finding myself wishing I was back in class. I'm not eager to take more exams, but I do miss learning and seeing my peers every day.

Anyway, I need to get a shower and then make sure the boyfriend is up for work!

School's out for summer!... and I'm not sure what to do...

2009-05-19T06:58:00.002-05:00

So, I'm done with my first year of law school! Woot! I'm a 2L!

So that's the extent of my excitement. I'm not really sure what to do with all this free time. I'm supposed to be starting my new "job" this week, but it doesn't seem to require a great deal of time, and I'm not good with a lot of free time. It's been nice for a few days to be just be able to sleep and play video games (World of Warcraft; yes, I'm a loser, but I'm a happy loser.)

My family and I are closer than ever, so that's a good thing, and I'm looking forward to going home in a couple of weeks and spending some time with my sisters and friends. I'm also looking forward to seeing the boyfriend and helping him pack. He's finally moving here! Yay!

I'm really happy that he's finally moving. We've had our ups and downs over the last two years, and more than once I've tried to move on and find someone else, but it's never worked out because I've never given up on him. Fortunately, it's paid off. He's going to be here and we're going to get to make a life together. It won't be easy and it won't always be fun, but overall it's the best thing that could happen. I love him, he loves me, and we enjoy being together. The majority of our disagreements, fights, and conflicts have arisen because of the distance, so being together should eliminate those problems.

Now, I'm not naive enough to think that everything will be perfect. One set of problems will be gone, but another set will replace it, I'm quite sure; however, I just can't see the new ones being anywhere near as bad as the current set. My first semester, during finals, I wasn't ready for him to be here, and he wasn't ready to move yet, so it was a good thing that we waited until the summer, but during this semester, all I could think about was that I wanted him here while I was taking them.

On another note, I've really started to feel like Chicago is home. I went home a few weeks ago, right before finals, and although I was happy to see my family and friends back in Texas, I forgot just how hot it is there! Now I remember why I left. The winter in Chicago is a bitch, but I'd still rather freeze my ass off and get to wear great clothes than roast for five months in Dallas. It's just not fun to me!

Well, that's all I really have to say right now, but I hope to blog more often. I miss writing and venting and stuff, even if no one else reads it, haha.

Alright, time to get ready to go to "work"!

~Andrew

Almost done!

2009-04-25T00:16:00.002-05:00

I'm nearing the end of my first year of law school! WOOT!

Ok, so it's not quite time to celebrate yet, but my last day of classes is this coming week and then only a week until finals are over. I'm very nervous, but also excited. I'm really looking forward to next year when I get to start taking classes that pertain to my specific area of interest (Intellectual Property). It will be much easier to care and pay attention when the classes revolve around subjects I have more than a passing interest in.

Other than school, life continues to be a constant string of surprises and stresses, some good and some bad. Nothing is so awful that I can really complain about it being detrimental to my overall happiness, but nothing is great that I feel the need to expound in any great detail. Perhaps this is the reason for my lack of blogging as of late. I don't really have anything to say. Nothing has really changed from the last time.

I continue to struggle with how to handle my past and present relationships, although I care substantially less than I used to, and I continue to try and avail myself of the opportunities presented in my new city. It's an intriguing time in my life and I'm certainly making the most of it.

Anyway, almost summer, yaaaaaaay!!! :)

Andrew

SPRING BREAK!!! No, really this time... promise.

2009-03-21T01:59:00.004-05:00

YAY! Spring break!

Ok, so maybe I'm not quite that excited yet, but I will be I'm sure. Right now it hasn't really sunk in that I actually have a week off. Maybe that's because I still have things I have to do, despite the supposed "break." But that's okay. At least I get to see my family starting in just a few hours. It will be nice to see my sisters and friends.

Anyway, I don't really have a lot to say other than "yippee!!" so I'm off to bed. Hope everyone is having a good first couple days of spring!

:)

SPRING BREAK!!!!.... not yet

2009-03-18T22:30:00.003-05:00

Spring break is next week and I've never been more ready for a vacation in my entire life. I really am excited to just do nothing, although I'm so tired that my excitement is limited to what one can do half-awake. Screaming, "yahoo!" is out of the question right now.

Anyway, life is great. Not only do I get spring break soon to see my family, I get to plan and host a very suave get together after spring break. The weekend following is the law school's annual Barrister's Ball; however, none of my friends or I want/can afford to go this year, so instead we're having our very own party. We figure for about a quarter of the cost of Barrister's we can drink, eat, and have way more fun.

The theme of the evening is going to be 1920's mobster/gangster. Everyone is dressing up in period clothing, my best friend is preparing period drinks (I think a bathtub was mentioned somewhere in the preparation process....), we've found some good music, and I'm going to be writing a murder mystery game for us to play. Should be a magical evening! If nothing else it'll be a great set of pictures and stories to tell.

Alrighty; it's past my bedtime, or at least I'm too tired to continue writing or doing anything else, so I'm going to bed. I was up at 7 a.m. (yes, that is much too early for me) this morning to go to the dentist so I could get my permanent retainer fixed. It broke off during appetizers last night.

Adios!

Exhaustion!

2009-03-13T00:04:00.000-05:00

So I really think, for the first time in my life, I really am EXHAUSTED! I used to say, "I'm exhausted," but I don't think I ever really knew what it meant until now. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally drained to the point that all I can do is hope to get just enough sleep each night to make it through the next day; however, I'm finding more and more frequently that I'm ready for bed at 6pm. I sleep through until the next morning and I'm still tired then. Everyone has told me I might just be sleeping too much, so I've tried staying up and getting the requisite 8 hours of sleep, but to no avail; I'm just that much more tired.

I think my next step is to get some blood work done and make sure there's nothing else besides law school eating away at my sanity. It'd be nice if there was a (fixable) medical problem so I could take whatever pill I needed to make it go away. Unlikely though. Most likely cause is school, and we all know there's no "cure" for that except time off.

Thank God spring break is in a week! I cannot wait! I get to see my family, friends, [the ex] (yeah yeah, shut up), and sleep in. It should be fun.

On a good note, I got my summer research setup with my Torts professor from last semester, so at least I have something to do this summer now. I may try to take a class during the summer as well. I don't know if it's too late, but I think it might help keep me sane if I took a class over the summer. The research isn't terribly stressful (40 hours over the summer with more optional), so I think I might need something else to keep me busy; then again, it might just be nice to enjoy the city a little bit and get a "normal" college job for a couple months, but in this economy, I doubt it.

Anyway, life is good for the most part. Stressing with school, per the norm. My criminal law teacher continues to make me hate class and feel like I'm being cheated out of my education, but perhaps she'll knock herself out one of these days with her bloated and out of control hypotheticals and they'll just give us all A's for surviving.

Celebration!

2009-03-07T00:23:00.006-06:00

It's time to celebrate! We all survived. All of my friends and I survived our first truly massive law school project and we decided to celebrate this weekend. Tonight was night one, and we decided to ease into things with a group outing to see Watchmen. Ultimately, massively disappointing movie; however, the company was great. (The only great thing is: LOTS of full frontal male nudity. Kinda porn-esque.) Unfortunately, we are all much too tired to do much else after the movie, so now we're all back home and texting/IM'ing on Facebook instead. BUT, it doesn't matter! Because, we're not all going to be up early so we can get to the library and work on our projects. We can all sleep in for a change!

So, tomorrow, the best friend and I are off on a mini-road trip to the suburbs for the day. It may be counter-intuitive to go to the suburbs for shopping when you live in Chicago, one of the greatest places to shop in the world, but sometimes you just have to get out of the city. It's a great city (and has been abso-fucking-lutely beautiful the last few days) but as a southern boy transplanted to the Windy City, I occasionally need to see non-landscaped trees and suburban streets. It's a necessity I'm afraid.

Anyway, so tomorrow after our mini-road trip to the burbs (and yes, it really does qualify as a "road trip"), we will be adventuring out into a world I know nothing about. Tomorrow night, I will be venturing into the realm of Lesbians, dykes, and whatever else "they" are called. It's a very scary prospect to me, but one of my friends has her sister in town, and her sister has convinced me that it won't kill me. Fortunately, they're taking it easy on me and we're largely sticking to the gay part of town and not the lesbian district. Maybe after I'm drunk I'll be able to handle a more lesbian-intensive place.

I'm really enjoying not freaking out about my project, and I'm enjoying the feeling that I might finally understand how all of this stuff is supposed to work. It's really quite intriguing and interesting how a system so inefficient and archaic gets anything done, but I suppose if I'm going to attempt to overall it at some point, I'll have to learn the ANCIENT way of doing it first. Oh well, at least it's interesting to see that at some point, pre-computer/pre-dinosaur, lawyers came up with a system that WORKS, despite being exceedingly redundant, repetitive, and inefficient.

As for the rest of life, it's pretty awesome, I have to say. I still miss home and I miss my friends there, but I've met some really amazing people in the last few weeks and I'm not feeling so alone.

It's nice :)

Andrew

Whew!

2009-02-25T15:08:00.003-06:00

Ok, I'm back. I took a mini-hiatus to try and regain my sanity (whatever little I ever had). These last few weeks have been crazy, but I finally found a few minutes to write about them. Maybe it will help me organize my thoughts a bit.

Valentine's Weekend:

So, I went home for Valentine's weekend. Overall, it was a good thing and it was nice to see my family; however, I was still sick when I got home and seeing my friends had to be put on hold. I was really looking forward to seeing them, but I just was not feeling up to what I knew would be a night of drinking and general debauchery.

However, I am a bit of a hypocrite just by saying that, because despite my better judgment, and what I'm sure will be some angry messages I'll get from this posting, I did see my ex. It was nice to see him and I got to meet some of his friends that I'd heard a lot about but never had a chance to get to know before I left. We exchanged stuff and I gave him his long-overdue Christmas present, which in the end I was glad I did. I would have felt bad having bought it and never given it to him.

Suffice it to say, it complicated things seeing him, although not as much as I would have thought. I made it very clear to both him and myself that just because we were seeing each other on Valentine's day did not mean we were back together, or that we would be getting back together, and for the most part we both did pretty well avoiding that line of conversation; although, I did have to occasionally stop him from going on a rant about how we should be back together. At least the sex was as good as ever, if not better ;)

The truth of the matter is, I have no idea if I want to be with him or not. I love him, but I don't trust him, that's for sure, and I'm really enjoying getting to meet new people and new guys (although there's been less of that as of late). *shrug* I don't know where it's going, but I know that I'm not going to stress about it too much right now. School is enough stress for me without having to worry about him.

School:

School is where the real migraine and problems lay. Every day has been a very steep step down a very slippery slope towards depression, and it was becoming a bit unbearable. Fortunately, I got to rant a bit to my best friend and to my mother, and they were both able to help me put school into perspective. It really does suck, and it really is unbelievably stressful, mostly because they design it that way, but it's manageable. I just have to learn how to divide it into doable chunks.

My LARC II (legal writing) class is where the majority of my problems have developed. It consumes far and away the majority of my time, and overall has caused the most headaches and frustration. It doesn't help that I royally bombed my first assignment and now catching up is a monumental task; however, I turned to my good ol' standby, math, to help settle my nerves. Thankfully math never lets me down, and it is still mathematically possible to make up the difference in the grades and do well in LARC. The only problem is, I need a plan to get there, so....

Lent:

I gave up procrastination for Lent. That's my plan. I figured out that the majority of the reason I did poorly on my last assignment was because I procrastinated. I've also found that I'm far happier when I get my work done early and then play after, versus when I play first and then do my work, desperately trying to finish in the last waning hours of the night. I always have good intentions, but they never seem to pan out, so I've resolved to do my work first, THEN have fun.

Overall:

I'm making new friends, enjoying life more, and hating school considerably more; however, I've figured out, at least for now, the path I want to take career wise, so I'm going to be looking for new opportunities. I'm currently in one of the top 10 IP law programs in the country and doing fairly well, so I'm going to continue to pursue that, but I'm also going to pursue an area of work in my undergraduate field: publishing. I'd really like to put my law degree and my undergraduate degrees to work together, and publishing will give me that opportunity.

Alrighty, time to go finish up my research and get a draft of my second project together!

Andrew

Fears of Being Single

2009-02-12T15:22:00.005-06:00

So, when my ex left me, I have to be honest, I was pretty scared. I felt like I'd lost the love of my life, and it sucked, but the further I got away from the relationship, the more toxic I realized it was for me. I had settled for someone who wasn't right for me and didn't respect me simply because I was too afraid of being single. I was afraid I'd never find someone who would love me again and that I could in-turn learn to love. It was a very scary realization. Now, it's not to say I didn't love my ex, I did, but I always felt like there was someone better suited for me out there, I just didn't have the guts to try and find him. It was easier to stay with someone I loved and who loved me back, but that wasn't really right, than it was to risk never finding someone again.

Thankfully, I have been very fortunate lately. Despite being sick, stressed with school, and overwhelmed with the future, I have met some really amazing guys who showed me that there are better matches for me, both mentally, emotionally, and physically. I was pretty sure that there were better matches for me mentally, and possibly emotionally, but I really did think that my ex was the best I could do physically. He's very attractive, but I've recently met some guys who really blew me away physically AND emotionally AND mentally. There really are guys with the whole package! I just never thought any of them would be interested in me. Who knew?

So anyway, my fears of being single have begun to ebb, and that is making the whole process of dating much less painful and more enjoyable. I'm enjoying getting to know different guys (without being a slut, mind you!) and realizing that there are so many different kinds of men out there that I am more compatible with than I ever really thought I could be. Guys who value the same work ethic I do, the same drive to be successful, the desire to do good in the world. It's a nice change from the past, when I felt like I would have to settle for a decent guy who shared none of my interests. It's a relief.

So, I'd really like to give specifics about the different guys I'm dating, but (1) I think some of them occasionally read my blog, (2) I don't really want to give too much away, and (3) I'm not quite ready to share :)

However, I would like your opinion (yes, you, the reader, whomever you might be) on something. Based on what you've read from me, who do you think my ideal guy is? I ask because I figure my writing might convey something about me that I don't realize about myself and it would be good to know, so please, let me know who you think my ideal guy is, in a comment! (For those of you who frequently respond via other methods, lol.)

Andrew

Still Sick!

2009-02-10T16:51:00.002-06:00

So, I'm still sick, and today was so bad that I actually had to stay home. Maybe that's my problem with getting well though. I never want to stay home and rest when I'm sick. I get too bored and I'm worried about missing class (which really is a bad thing to do), so I never really get well. Doesn't help that I stayed up almost all night working on my project Sunday night, so I didn't get any sort of meaningful sleep that night, which means I was up for almost 40 hours. Exhaustion for the lose!

Anyway, so I finished my first memo and turned it in, only to the get the next one assigned. I have to finish my research before Monday, but I'm going home to see my family and friends on Friday, so I really have to finish in the next two days. Should be fun, if I can get well.

I'm sorry I had to stay home today, because it's been so beautiful outside, but here's hoping I'll be well by Friday!

Andrew

I'm so done...

2009-02-07T22:39:00.003-06:00

This is a short blog entry, promise!

First off, I'm feeling much better!

Second, I just had to share. This is rich and made me feel good. So, my ex, the one who is already onto his second new boyfriend, sent me a text tonight. Here's the conversation:

Ex: "I love you."

Me: "Lol. Ok."

Ex: "Just thought id tell you. Even if it doesn't mean anything to you anymore."

Me: "Nope, sure doesn't mean a damn thing anymore. I'll let you know my schedule so you can get me my stuff."

That felt good. Not only did it feel good to say that it means nothing to me anymore, but it felt even better to mean it. I'm so done with his bullshit. So done. I wish his new boyfriend the best of luck. That poor sap is gonna need it. If only it wasn't completely unethical to warn him, but I suppose the ex deserves a chance to learn and grow and find someone new, too, so here's hoping he doesn't fuck the new guy around also.

Anyway, life is good. The weather today was a beautiful 60 degrees and instantly raised my spirits. My best friend and I drove out to the suburbs for fun, listened to music, ate some junk food, and came back. I've worked, willingly, on my homework, and I also worked out for 2 hours, running 6 miles and lifting for an hour. It was good times.

Life is good.

I'm sure I'll find a reason to bitch again soon, but for now, it's all good.

Andrew

Sick!

2009-02-05T22:58:00.007-06:00

Booo! I'm sick. I hate being sick. Whenever I'm well, I wish I could be sick for a day so I could skip class, sleep in, curl up under a blanket and watch tv, and just do nothing. However, the reality of the situation is that I'm too miserable to enjoy watching tv or sleeping. My throat hurts so bad that every time I swallow, my eyes start to water. It's a bit ridiculous really. Plus, I can't stay home and skip class. Sick or not, I have to go; can't afford to miss any classes after my poor showing last semester. Must improve! And that means being in every single friggin' class. At least I have a major project due Monday that I've really felt too bad to work on, so I've got that to look forward to this weekend! Yippee!

Kill me now.

Ok, don't kill me, but does anyone have any strong sedatives they could give me? Something in the oxycotton or vicadin family? Bah.

Anyway, so life, besides being sick, has drastically improved. I stopped talking to or worrying about the ex and things have taken a turn for the better. He's got another new boyfriend (he goes through guys like water) and apparently he's getting a puppy. Considering his apartment doesn't allow him to have dogs, and he doesn't have a job, I'm wondering how that's going to work. Maybe the new boyfriend is helping with the bills, or maybe they're just going to move in together. I don't know. Not my problem anymore! HA! :)

Speaking of guys, there are two really cute guys in my class that I'd like to get to know better, BUT they're not in my section and I think that they might both be out of my league. They're both hot/cute, social, and well-liked. I, however, am decently attractive but nothing special, semi-antisocial, and not disliked, which is a far cry from being liked. Anyway, my point is, how do I even go about getting to know these guys? One of them I've tried talking to when I see him, but he's always running of somewhere else and whenever I see him online, he logs off right as I'm about to say something! Boo! The nice thing is that I know they're both smart and doing something with their lives, so that's definitely a plus. The bad thing is that I like them and know nothing about either of them. Hell, for all I know, they could be dating each other.... which would explain a lot... hmmm... oh well.

Next topic. Vacations. I'm going home to see my family and friends next weekend, which I'm ecstatic about! I could really use some time away from Chicago and school. It will be a nice break even though I'm sure I'll have a ridiculous amount of homework to try and do while I'm home, but oh well. A couple bottles of red wine or a 24 case of beer and I won't care about homework.

I do have another dilemma about vacations though. My spring break is at the end of March, but none of my friends, who aren't at school with me, have spring break at the same time, so I'm thinking I might go to San Francisco for the week and take a one-credit course taught by one of my professors. I know I'm not supposed to work over spring break, but it'd be nice to get some extra hours in. Also, it might make it easier to go back to class after spring break. Usually I'd relish the idea of a week off, but it's so difficult to get into the semester after a break, I really don't want what happened after winter break to happen again. I'm just now starting to care!

Or really I don't care, but I'm trying to at least pretend I care. I figure if I pretend long enough, I'll either start to care or I'll be able to pretend so well that I'll pretend my way into great grades. I don't really care which happens so long as the outcome is better grades. Unfortunately, I really don't foresee pretending garnering me anything better than a C, let alone the A's and B+'s I need this semester. Grr.

Ok, I started writing this entry with the idea that it would be a short one (Yeah, right. Me write a short entry.) but it's grown, and now I'm feeling sick again, so I think I'm gonna go get some tea and curl up under my comforter with a bottle of nyquil and watch some tv.

*cough*

Andrew

Edit: Apparently if you have 103 degree fever, you CAN stay home from school, as proven by the events of today.

How to be a slut 101: CONDOMS!!!

2009-02-02T01:42:00.011-06:00

Ok, so with my recent singleness and reluctance to get into anything too serious, I've had to relearn how to be a single, also known in the gay world as how to slut it up. Granted, I'm not 19 anymore, and I'm not as stupid, so some of the rules have changed. First, we should go over the old rules and then review the new ones.

18-19 year old rules:

If he's hot, he's fair game.
Try to come prepared, meaning condoms and lube.
Always dress provocatively. If you've got it, flaunt it.
Never go home with a stranger, unless he's hot.
Always leave in the morning before he's fully awake, or make up an excuse so he has to leave.

22 year old rules:

If he's hot, he's fair game.
Always, always come prepared, meaning good conversation, public meeting places, an escape plan, someone knowing where you are, and just to be safe: condoms and lube.
Dress appropriately. If you've got it, you don't have to flaunt it.
Never go home with a stranger. That's it. Just don't do it. If he's worth sleeping with, get his number, get to know him and see where it goes.
If you're going to have to sneak out in the morning, just don't do it. Not worth it.

Alright, so the 22 year old rules don't sound nearly as much fun, but they really are. Sex with guys I barely knew was hot and exciting at 19, but it got old quickly (thankfully), and I was lucky that I never got hurt or taken advantage of (at least in a way that really hurt me). Now I look for a hot guy, and then I see if I would actually want to get to know him. If I don't, why sleep with him? If we're not compatible beyond physical attraction, the sex isn't going to be very good anyway.

So, now that I've laid out my rules for how to be an older, more mature, more well-informed, responsible "slut," I suppose I should actually put the rules into practice. The rules this time around are much more conducive to that elusive practice we call dating, which I must admit is a bit of unfamiliar territory for me. I've always dated guys close to my age, so they did they same thing I did: jumped straight into a relationship, fell in love much too quickly, and there was no dating. We slept together too quickly, we feel in love too easily, and we got way too carried away.

There's a reason the rules change as you get older. You get wiser. You learn that maybe taking that really hot guy home when you were plastered wasn't the wisest idea, because you woke up the next morning, hung over and realize that the lights from the bar made him look a lot better than you remember, and his driver's license reveals he's not 22, but 32. It's a sobering experience. Luckily you'll also realize that you were too drunk to have sex and you just blacked out instead. And then you get to do the walk of shame.

The walk of shame is much more pronounced once you move to a pedestrian city. Having moved here from Texas, I can tell you that back home, the walk of shame was almost nonexistent. You got in your car, drove home, walked into your house, and crashed in your bed. Here, in Chicago, you have to walk to the train station or bus, and then back home, so all of the old ladies and old men and people walking their dogs and nannies with children, who are out early in the morning, get to see you walking home, hair sticking out at an odd angle, creases in your face where you passed out on your coat and never moved, and squinting because the light hurts so very badly. It's a great deterrent after you've done that a couple times.

So now, out into the great unknown I go, armed with my knowledge of past relationships failed, a bit wiser for the wear, a great repertoire of sexual positions, and.... condoms and lube!

Be safe, guys and girls! Condoms, condoms, CONDOMS!!!
(That's my public safety announcement.)

Love, Andrew

Two Hotties!

2009-02-02T01:20:00.000-06:00

Just awesome!

Super Bowl!

2009-02-01T12:10:00.002-06:00

It's Super Bowl time! Ok, not quite yet, but I am up, out of bed, and ready to go, which amounts to me sitting on my couch in my jeans, having yet found a shirt, socks, or shoes. Oh well. It's close enough. I'll throw the rest on when my ride gets here. She's used to calling and saying, "I'm here! Put your clothes on, ya lazy ass!" or at least something in that vain.

So today is going to be fun. Friends, food, football, and not worrying about the mounting piles of homework. There's a certain freedom in accepting your reality, whatever it may be, but occasionally escaping into mountains of useless carbs, fats, sugars, and alcohol with your friends is always a nice break. It's like taking a vacation without leaving the city.

Speaking of vacations, I still really need one. I need one to somewhere where there are zero obligations. I love seeing my family, but I need a vacation where no one expects me to do anything, and if I choose to sleep all day on the beach or in the hotel, then that's what I'm allowed to do. Too many expecations lately.

Anyway, I'm off. Gotta find that shirt; she's here and it's still like ten degrees outside, so running out there shirtless is a bad idea. Now where's my coat...

Reality Check

2009-01-29T16:02:00.006-06:00

So this week has been somewhat of a reality check. A previous commenter mentioned the stages of grief in regards to my ex-boyfriend, and although I think I've pretty much worked through the first four stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression), I'm having difficulty moving out of depression and into acceptance, and occasionally even find myself oscillating between denial and depression, with a touch of anger thrown in. Bargaining was never really part of my grieving process, but I think that's because God and I have an understanding. I know he's not going to fix it instantly, so I don't even really ask. I think part of me is still hoping for reconciliation (yes, yes; I know that's stupid) and that things will just go back to the way they were. Fortunately, I think I'm finally learning that I don't want things to be back the way they were.

I was having a discussion with my ex the other day and realized that he has always had a knack for making me feel guilty about things I really shouldn't feel guilty for. I never really thought that he treated me badly, but looking back on it, he really walked all over me, and I told him so. I told him I was tired of being treated like a door mat, and that felt good to say. I always went out of my way to help him and be supportive, but he checked in and out of the relationship whenever it suited him, made me feel guilty for things I shouldn't have felt guilty for, and kept everything that we should have been discussing bottled up. It was an eye-opening revelation to realize that I really wasn't being treated as well as I thought I was. I had just lulled myself into thinking that he was right and I was always wrong.

Like I said, I don't want to go back to the way things were, but I suppose I'm still enough of a masochist that I'm not completely opposed to the idea of being with my ex, or someone like him, again. I'm just not going to let things happen the same way. My first boyfriend and I fought all the time, and I hated it, so with this last relationship I just kind of let things go for the most part. When things bothered me, I just convinced myself I needed to change. Sometimes that was change for the better; other times, not so much. This isn't the first time I've realized that relationships cause me to change, sometimes for the worse. Last time I gave up doing all the things I loved doing to be in a relationship. This time, I've tried to be better about that, but I learned that there are other changes that are not always good either, like becoming passive aggressive to avoid confrontation like the plague.

Anyway, not everything in life revolves around my ex boyfriend and the lack of relationship; however, everything does seem to be affected by it. Becoming motivated this semester, as I've said before, has been extremely difficult. I don't care about researching California Civil Procedure codes regarding summary judgment. I don't care about section 1983 motions. I just don't care. It's so hard to care about all of these things that seem very remote and meaningless when I'm trying to reevaluate where my life is going. Perhaps I'll care more once I've accepted my reality more readily. It just takes time, or so they tell me at least.

As for the classes themselves, my CivPro professor is still awesome. He hasn't cross-dressed for us again, but I don't think that's a regular occurrence, unfortunately. Last time he played a blonde black lady who was being interviewed about her complaint. It was highly amusing, if not a bit embarrassing. Either way, he continues to make class fun, even if it's the class with the highest mortality rate, at least insofar as people's egos are concerned. Law School is humbling experience for the cockiest of persons, but his class is like boot camp. If you're unsure of your answer, pretend you aren't, because otherwise he'll tell you you're wrong just for being unsure. I'll probably learn more in that class than my other two doctrinal classes this semester combined.

Criminal Law and Property Law continue to be just okay. Property law is just redundant. We spend a long time in that class and we cover very little material. We cover it heavily, but I think perhaps a bit too in-depth and we're not moving on to more pressing and relevant matters, because honestly, adverse possession is awesome and cool, but not the most useful of doctrines in property law, at least as far as general studies go. Not to mention, it's mostly statutory, so you can look it up!

Criminal is occasionally fun. The discussions are always interesting and people really seem to care about the cases. My professor seems to be becoming comfortable with her surroundings (she's a visiting professor), and therefore she is becoming a more interesting and articulate instructor. That class might not prove a complete bore if it continues to improve in the vain it has been.

Outside of class life is pretty good. I've got some good friends that I like to hang out with, especially my best friend, M., who has been a godsend for the last semester. She's pretty much the shit. She's my work out buddy, my study buddy, and my confidant, all rolled into one hot mess! I love her. We're doing a Super Bowl party this weekend at my place and it seems that it might actually turn out to be a decent size party too. I might actually be social for a change!

Speaking of being social, I have yet to go to a student bar review, and I think I'm going to go tomorrow. Bar reviews are a fancy way to say a lot of law students and/or attorneys getting together under the veil of networking to drink themselves stupid. It's a good practice, or so I've heard, so I've decided to go. We'll see what happens.

Alright, long enough blog. Hope everyone is well!

P.S. The workout is starting to show some results, and my entire body is incredibly sore, so if nothing else, I've achieved pain! Yay!

Vacation, School, Boys, the usual, etc.

2009-01-24T13:43:00.004-06:00

So this new semester is off to a rocky start. It's only been a couple of weeks, but I'm finding it very difficult to get motivated and care about school. My classes aren't terribly different from last semester, at least insofar as the material, expectations, and learning styles are concerned, and the material even seems relevant, but it's just so damn hard to care. I'm thinking I need a real vacation.

My trip to Dallas over the winter break was great, and I had a lot of fun, but I spent it on a tight schedule so that I could see everyone, and although I love my family, it was not terribly relaxing or crazy (you know, that kind of fun that's exhilarating and spontaneous). I really think I want to go skiing this spring break, or maybe scuba diving in the Bahamas. The only problem there is the money. Both of those things are expensive, and even if I could find a good deal or people to go with, I'd have to start planning it now, and as anyone who knows me will say, I don't plan well.

Speaking of planning things (and otherwise completely unrelated), I'm actually proud of myself for going to speak with my professor this last week about a summer job. It's proving very difficult for 1L's to find jobs this summer due to the economy kicking everyone's ass, so I'm really hoping this pans out. I also need to find some other opportunities and send out some resumes so I don't get completely screwed if my prof doesn't have a place for me this summer. Anyone know of any small IP or tort firms (pretty much anywhere in the country) that need a 1L clerk for the summer? :)

Ok, another change in topic: Boys. That's pretty much it, actually. Nothing really of interest to report, which may or may not be a good thing, I'm not sure. I still haven't really decided what I want, or which direction I want to move in, but sometimes no news is good news!

So, my work out routine has me baffled. I seem to be building muscle (or at least the amount of weight I can lift is increasing), and my endurance is increasing, but other than that, I can't tell a difference, lol. Oh well, I'll just keep at it. If anyone has any good advice for how to measure muscle development, let me know.

Oh, one last thing, I think I found a new hobby. Well, it's not really new for me, but I haven't done it in a long time and I forgot how relaxing it can be. Now before I say what it is, I know it just proves my gayness! Knitting. I'm terrible at it, but it's fun! :)

Woke up horny!

2009-01-17T17:45:00.004-06:00

So, I woke up hornier than I have been in who knows how long. It was ridiculous. The "kiss" guy from the previous two blogs stayed over, but nothing really happened. We just cuddled, but then he left pretty early this morning to go run errands. I passed back out and had some of the hottest, dirtiest, sexiest dreams I've ever had, BUT, they were all about my ex, and when I finally woke up, I was unbelievably disappointed he wasn't laying next to me.

I've only been dating again for about two weeks, and I've met some great guys, but so far, no one has lived up to my expectations, which are perhaps unreasonably high. Oh well. My loss I suppose.

I think I'm just a horny bastard, but I only want sex with someone I love, and right now, I still love my ex. I think that's the best explanation. It's unreasonable to expect I can get over someone I spent a large part of my life with in such a short period of time; I guess I'm just not sure I want to get over it. Who knows.

What?! Cross-dressing professors, work outs, and boys, oh my!

2009-01-15T16:23:00.003-06:00

So, I finally met a great guy (the kisser from the previous post) and then he calls me to say that he's being transferred to San Antonio. I couldn't get one guy to move from Texas to Chicago, and the next guy is moving from Chicago to Texas. Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I mean, seriously, can I get a friggin' break here?!

Ok, done ranting. As for the rest of life, things are going well. School has started back and my Civil Procedure professor is a cross-dressing, abrasive, sarcastic, asshole. I love him. He's friggin' awesome, despite the fact that he ate my lunch today. He ripped my best friend and I apart while discussing a case; however, I have to say that we still did well compared to some of the other people who've been called on this last week, which is saying a lot.

As for my other two professors, they're alright. My Criminal Law professor is pretty good. She's a visiting professor from Kansas, so she's still settling in. As for my property professor, she's just kinda weird. She treats the class like she would a 3rd grade class. We have to come in and check our names off every class period so she can tell if we're prepared for the day, instead of just assuming, like all of our other professors do, that we're all ready (since it's a requirement of the course and of the law school in general). It's stupid, plus, I can't hear her very well. She speaks very softly and when I can hear her, she's talking down to the class.

On another note, boys are stupid, and so am I. I can't decide what I want. I don't know if I just want to date for awhile, if I want to get into a new relationship, if I just want to fuck around, or if I want something else. It's all very elusive right now. I feel like I could get into another relationship relatively easily, but I don't want to settle, and I don't want to find a great guy and have him be a rebound that I can't really commit to. I don't know. It's so melodramatic. Oh well. I'll figure it out and play it by ear. I've got a date (or three) this weekend, so we'll see how things go.

I've started a new work out routine for the semester and so far it's having good results. I haven't really lost any noticeable weight or inches (which would be nice to see), but I do have a lot more energy, it's easier to focus, I'm happier, less stressed, and more easily able to focus on other things. It's a good thing. My chest and arms hurt so bad today. I'm trying to build more muscle in my upper body, lose fat, and tone my lower body (don't really need any more muscle there). If anyone has some good, specific, tips on how to build muscle, burn fat, and overall get a good workout, let me know. I could also use some tips on nutrition. I know I need protein to build muscle, and good complex carbs, but I'm not sure how many calories I should be consuming, and how much should come from each type.

Anyway, so I need suggestions about a new hobby to pick up. Nothing involving a lot of reading. I do enough of that. I need something that's relatively cheap and relaxing. Anyone have any ideas?

New Year, New Semester, Dating, and No More Bitching!

2009-01-11T23:41:00.004-06:00

So a new year has come and one of my resolutions was not to bitch about my ex so much and try to focus on the positive. I really don't like being a negative person, so I'm going to focus on the good things in life and hopefully my elated mood will continue to grow. So, with a new year comes a new semester, which begins tomorrow, and I'm torn between excited and nervous. I got my grades for last semester, and although I did relatively well, I was still not happy with them overall, so this semester is a chance to do better! Wish me luck. Seriously. I could use it. Wish for one of the smart kids to suddenly be an idiot. I'd ask for you to wish something life threatening on them (law school really does bring out the competitive asshole in you), but that wouldn't be keeping with my goal to keep a conscience in law school, so I'll just ask that they not be quite as smart, thus fixing the curve in my favor.

I have to say life is pretty awesome. I've met some amazing new people since I got back to Chicago, largely because I don't feel constrained by a relationship as to who I can meet and spend time with. The ex never directly told me not to hang out with other gay guys, but he always made me feel guilty, but now I don't have to worry about that. I met a really cool gay couple who came over to play board games last weekend, which was a lot of fun. Drank wine, played Trivial Pursuit and what the f*ck (a drinking game that was lost on us since we were already drinking). It was fun times.

I've also started dating. I'm not really sure where it's going, but I do know I'm terrible at it, lol. I haven't dated, like seriously dated, in almost two years. It's kinda like riding a bike, in that I can still function on a date, but I'm definitely not doing any hand stands or letting go of the handle bars. Perhaps that's a good thing. So far, I've managed to keep most of my dates PG-ish (depends who's rating perhaps), and they've been a lot of fun. A couple might have crossed over into R territory for excessive alcohol and lude comments, haha. Either way, I've been a pretty good boy :)

I also met a total hotty this weekend. He's smart, successful, fun, compassionate, has a great body, a killer ass, and he's a great kisser. AND, he seems to like me, so score one for me! It was nice getting to cuddle and watch a movie with someone again. Plus, it had that newness and excitement that only a good date with a sexy man can bring. That feeling in your stomach where you want to kiss him, but you're not sure you should, but then you catch him looking at you instead of the movie, so you try to glance back to see if you weren't mistaken and he asks, "what?" and you get all nervous, but laugh and almost giggle and try to cover it up by saying, "oh, nothing," but then you keep glancing and eventually he just grabs your arm and puts it around him and leans against you, essentially telling you to get over it and just do it already, you big pansy. *deep breath* That feeling.

Then there's that other feeling when you know you really want to kiss him this time, and he wouldn't be cuddling with you if he didn't at least like you a little bit. That feeling that makes you grateful you've already seen the chosen movie twelve times because all you're focused on are the two voices in your head going, "kiss him!" "don't!" "kiss him!" "don't!" but then you get that look that says it might be ok, so you lean down and he leans up, and BAM! There it is. A kiss. Hey, that wasn't so bad. In-fact, it was kinda not bad at all. Almost good. Or great. Hell, it was fucking awesome! WOOOHOOO!!! Oh yeah, composure. Movie. Uh, what? Oh yeah, movie. Oh, oh! He's looking again. Screw the movie.

*sigh* I may hate dating, but it's hard to beat a good first couple of dates.

Hope everyone is having a great new year!

Andrew

Yay!!! A Hotty Singing an Awesome Song!

2009-01-01T19:45:00.003-06:00

This makes me happy. He's SOOOOO HOT!

Eventually...

2009-01-01T18:26:00.003-06:00

Well, it had to happen eventually. I'd been so bright and sunny about all the recent events of break-up, trying to see the best in all of it and such, that I'd done a pretty good job of repressing all the actual emotions that go with it. So, I decided, apparently, that New Year's Eve was the best night to start to deal with all of that. I don't really want to relive the details, but short versions.

1. It was my ex who left the comment, and he read the new blog post.

2. We talked online and then on Skype for a couple hours about everything that happened.

3. He's pretty much tanked his life just like I feared. He's drinking, he's depressed, he's lost everything, and I feel like it's pretty much all my fault, whether that's a rational thing to think or not.

4. When I found out that other people had a hand in his decision to break up with me, telling him behind my back that we weren't meant to be together and trying to ruin everything, I kind of lost it and kicked a wall, so at the very least I have a very bruised foot, if not fractured.

5. I feel like someone killed my best friend and made me watch, only to let me close enough to help after he's gone. Right now he's so depressed and so disillusioned with the world that he's given up on everything, and there's nothing I can do about it.

It turns out that the only people who thought we were good together, was us, but we let everyone else convince us otherwise, and in the end, he cracked, and he has to suffer all the consequences. It's not fair. I lost my best friend and my partner, but I still have a future, goals, and ambition. He's lost and I can't help him find his way. If he'd held on for a few more days, just another week, none of this would have happened.

I still love him, and I hate that I can't do anything to fix this. He deserves better. He's a good person, and even now when he has nothing, and he's lost more than ever, I would still want to be with him, but I know that's not right either. I've tried everything, but he has to want to fix it on his own now.

It's like the week after the funeral of someone you really loved, when you go to do something that you know they should be there for, but they aren't, and nothing you do will bring them back. It's that helpless feeling that makes breathing difficult. It's that feeling of such complete and utter disbelief that makes it feel like a horrible dream.

To the Anonymous Comment on the Last Blog

2008-12-31T19:44:00.002-06:00

Anonymous, I don't know who you are, so telling me I have your number isn't helping. If you're my ex, don't leave Anonymous messages on my blog trying to tell me how you feel or what happened, and I don't have your number anymore. You owe me SO much more than that. If you're not my ex, you don't know why he did what he did. "Moving on" is a cowardly way to phrase what he did. Moving on means dealing with it, not running away from it. If he's scared and lost, he shouldn't have left. I was always there for him. I did everything I could for him, things he'll never even know, but it doesn't matter now. He broke my heart. He asked if I wanted him in my life, I said yes. He left anyway. That was his call. I wanted him here with me more than anything in the world. It kills me that he's with someone else just because he couldn't deal with our situation. He couldn't even call me to break up with me. He just said, "I don't think we should be together anymore." in a text message. I'm sorry he's scared and lost; that's the absolute LAST thing I ever wanted for him and I did EVERYTHING I could to help him find his way, but I wasn't good enough for him. He was the love of my life, the man I wanted to marry, the man I was willing to fight for, defend and protect.

So please, don't tell me he's scared and lost. I was willing to give him everything except sacrifice law school, but I doubt he even knows that my greatest motivation for doing well in law school was so that I could give him everything he ever wanted, and everything he never had. I wanted to give him a real home, a real family, security, purpose, drive, ambition. I may be angry and hurt, but I will still do everything I can to make his dreams come true. I have chosen to keep the promise I made to him when we first got together; that I would always be there for him, that I would help him achieve his dreams and goals, and that I would never betray him. I suppose he made no such promise, but I thought it was implied.

I may not have been able to give him the time he wanted, but I would have come home to him every night. I would have been there every time he was hurt, every time he was successful, every time he needed me, just like I always have been. I look back on our relationship and I don't have anything bad to say about him except that he never believed me when I said I wanted to be with him. He would ask, I would say yes, and he still wouldn't believe me, and eventually, I just gave up. There's only so much reassurance you can give someone. He may have moved on by finding a new love, but I moved on by realizing I gave him my all, whether he knew it or not. And maybe that was my fault, for not telling him everything I did for him that he never knew, but I can't change that now. I'm back in Chicago and he's in Dallas, celebrating New Years with his new boyfriend. I hope he's having fun and being safe. I wish he was here with me, watching the fireworks, but he's not. There are so many things I wanted to do with him, that we were going to get to experience together, but he was too scared to take a leap of faith and move. I know it was a huge thing to ask of him, but it would have been worth it. Instead, he decided to stay there and find a new boyfriend, one who I hope is ten times better to him than I was, because now I've lost my best friend. I won't get to celebrate his 21st birthday with him, or help him anymore. I hate it, but I'm not willing to cause myself more pain when he's got a new boyfriend to turn to. Plus, I don't want to be the guy that's still best friends with his ex while he has a new boyfriend.

I wish I could say I can forgive him for moving on so quickly, but I don't know if I can or not. Someday probably, but right now all I can think about is that he's kissing another guy good night before he falls asleep in his arms; that he's telling another guy he loves him. I was a fool and believed I was the only guy he'd ever say that too. He's the only guy I wanted to say it too. I loved him unconditionally, but I trusted him then. Now I don't what I think, but he made his choice. I'm here, he's there. I got on a plane today praying he'd show up and come with me, but it was a fool's dream.

How are you handling it?

2008-12-30T02:05:00.003-06:00

So everyone keeps asking me, "how are you handling it?" or, "how are you doing?" in regards to my recent breakup, and I have to say, I have no idea. Most of the time, honestly, I just don't think about it. I've kept myself relatively busy, and when I'm alone I've got other things to occupy my mind, but occasionally I dwell. I think about what the relationship meant, what he meant to me, what I thought I meant to him, and what it appears I actually meant to him. I think about where my life is going from here, whether or not I want to try and date when I get back to Chicago, or if I should just take a break from even allowing the possibility of a relationship. I know I don't want to pursue one, but I'm usually of the mind that if the right guy comes along, I'll date him, but maybe right now I shouldn't even let that be an option.

Right now I feel torn between being happy for him that he's found someone else and angry that he found someone else so quickly; however, I'm not sure why I'm angry. The obvious reason is because he moved on so fast and it seems like he never cared about the relationship, but another reason, that I don't really want to admit as a likely possibility, is because he found someone before I did and I don't think it's fair. But then that doesn't really sound right either.

So maybe it's a combination of those two and an anger because of how he could possibly have found someone so quickly. I keep going over in my head how he could have found someone so quickly when he told me he didn't have any friends and that he didn't hang out with other gay guys. Even more so, it angers me because he didn't like it when I hung out with other gay guys, so I didn't. I purposefully didn't meet other potentially awesome friends because I never wanted him to doubt that I was faithful to him. It makes me doubt whether anything he ever said was true.

The other thing that keeps going through my mind is that if he really didn't know this guy before hand, and he really wasn't spending time with other gay guys and being a hypocrite, how could he have met him such a short time and gotten so close? I guess I thought I knew him better than I obviously did, because I wouldn't have thought it possible for him to find someone and get close that quickly. It also makes me think that in his drunken stupor he slept with a guy he thought was cute and just jumped into a relationship. I guess it worries me. The last thing I want for him is to be unsafe and sleeping around, but I also don't want him to settle. He left me for a reason; I don't want him to just jump into another relationship because he doesn't want to deal with the breakup of this one.

I'll be honest and say that this entire entry was written because I happened to see his new facebook picture and it's of him and his new boyfriend. His picture used to be of me and it's painful to see that I've been replaced so easily. It wasn't even difficult for him, and it feels like he wants me to see that he's found someone else. I know that's probably just paranoid, and I'm sure quite normal to think that your ex's actions are all designed to hurt you, but it definitely does feel like that. It definitely feels like he's trying to make sure I know he's already found someone and that I'm replaceable. It's probably completely irrational, but it hurts.

I just wish he could have been a little more discrete. He didn't post pictures of us up on his facebook for a long time. It really hurts that the man I loved more than anything in the world, that I was ready to spend my life with, whether it was the right decision or not, didn't even care about me enough to think about what his actions might do to me. Maybe it's selfish, but it still hurts.

Again, I harbor no ill-will towards him, and I want the best for him. I'm honestly even happy he's found someone, and I pray (quite literally) that it works out for them. It just would have been nice if he'd had a little more respect for me and what he had together, that's all.

I may have lost a great friend, my best friend even, but I've gained a new lease on life, the chance to meet amazing new people, a closer relationship with God and my family, and the realization that I know who I am. When I hear songs that talk about breakups and how the singer has lost him or herself in the breakup, I smile, because I know who I am, and this breakup has taught me that. It has shown me that for the first time in my life, I really know who I am and a boyfriend isn't going to define me. Maybe that's the greatest lesson in all of this.

Anyway, thanks for the comments everyone, both on and off the blog. They've been incredibly helpful dealing with this. This is a new chapter in my life, and although I'm sad at times that he's not going to be part of it, it's exciting and part of me is grateful to have a chance to start with a completely clean slate. I'll arrive back in Chicago to a clean condo, a new semester, and with enough time before classes begin to meet some new friends, and have some fun before buckling down.

I love you. I always will. Goodbye.

2008-12-23T02:28:00.003-06:00

Here's the really painful series of events, and I'll try to make it as unemotional as possible until after I at least relay the basic events.

Monday, December 15: I have a boyfriend who I think is amazing and he's going to move to Chicago to be with me.

Tuesday, December 16: I take my last law school final. That night, my boyfriend tells me he's not going to move to Chicago.

Wednesday, December 17: I fly home (with a one-way ticket because I had thought I'd be driving back with him).

Thursday, December 18: The boyfriend dumps me via text message.

Friday, December 19: The ex-boyfriend gets drunk and we say horrible, awful things to each other through text messaging, for which we will probably never forgive each other. I delete all his contact info and delete as much of him from my electronic life as possible.

Saturday, December 20 & Sunday, December 21: This is where things get fuzzy. I don't know what he really did here, however....

Monday, December 22: Ex-boyfriend is now listed as in a relationship with a new guy! WTF!?

Alright, so right now, I have to say, I have no idea how I feel. I don't really feel that bad about us being broken up. I think that was the right move. I don't really care even that he's with another guy (or guys for all I know). I really don't even care that it happened so quickly (unless he was cheating, but that would just make me mad since I gave him so many easy outs if he wanted to leave me for someone else). The biggest thing I think that has made me emotionally upset is that he went from, "I love you and you're everything to me and I want to marry you, " to, "I hate you and you meant so little to me that I can replace you with another guy in less than a week." It just makes me feel like he took advantage of me and that he wasted a year and a half of both our lives.

Also, I feel like 1) he's in a worse position now than he was when I met him, and 2) I feel like he learned nothing from me, despite the fact that he said he wanted me to teach him things.

Oh well. I think what I've learned is to stop dating guys who don't know where they're going with their lives. It's not that I think they're not good people. The ex is one of the best people I know, and he's got a great heart. He makes some questionable choices, especially when he's angry or upset, but he's a good person. The problem is that I need someone who already has a plan and is ok with my plan not putting him first. I know there's someone out there who has his own life and has his own goals and they will match up with mine and we will both be able to focus on our careers while still having a great relationship.

All I have to say is that even though I'm hurt, and I really wish things had ended differently, I harbor no ill-will towards my ex. He may hate me, I don't know, but I don't hate him and I want the very best for him. I want him to be successful, and wealthy, and have everything he's always wanted. I wish him and his new boyfriend the best of luck and I really hope it's not just a rebound, but if it is, that he will find the man he wants. I did the best I could, but I wasn't the right guy for him, nor him for me.

I love you, [ex-boyfriend]. I always will. Goodbye

Airplanes, Boyfriends, and Finals... Oh my!

2008-12-17T14:41:00.002-06:00

Ok, so I'm on my flight home for the winter break when this bitch in-front of me decides to lean her seat back. Now, this is not in and of itself a grievous crime, but I'm 6'4, which means I have long legs and therefore this is completely unacceptable. Thankfully, at this time no one is seated next to me, so I adjust my legs and try to place my right leg in the empty space left by the open seat and my left leg in the aisle. All is going well and I'm about to forgive the bitch in-front of me for her lack of manners, for which I am bitter because I had the courtesy not to lean my seat back because of the huge man sitting behind me, when her friend sitting next to her decides to lean her seat back too. Now my leg is smashed there. I can't be mad at her for this slight because I'm not really sitting behind her, but I can be pissed at her because her son is now screaming at the top of his lungs because he wants his crackers. I'm just about to kill them both when I catch a whiff of a terrible smell. Not only does he want crackers, he's shit his pants. Great. It's 10 minutes into the flight and this is what I have to look forward to.

Next time you're on a plane, look behind you to see if the person has long legs before leaning back. It might by slightly less comfortable for you, but believe me, having your knee caps smashed in is much worse. Maybe that's what I should do to illustrate my point to this woman... Smash her kneecaps... Ok, maybe not. They're not very lenient about violence on aircraft these days.

P.S. Now I feel bad because about halfway through the flight she put her seat back forward and then apologized when she got up after the flight landed. Yay for nice people! Booo for me being a douche.

On another note, my boyfriend is NOT moving in January. For the time being, we will continue with our long distance relationship, although for how long I do not know. Maybe it'll work and he'll move in July, but I'm not sure either of us have the energy to do this for an entire another semester. It's a lot of work, and long distance for long distance's sake really isn't worth it. He's an amazing guy, but he has little or no direction in his life, and compared to mine that just doesn't work. We may only be one year apart in age, but we're not even in the same decade as far as plans and a future are concerned. *shrug* Oh well. It's not nearly as devastating of a realization as it could have been for either of us. At least I don't think it is.

We both saw this coming the last few weeks as all of our best laid plans came tumbling down, almost systematically. When that happens, you'd be an idiot not to take the hint. I don't believe God gets involved too often with the mundane affairs of man, but sometimes, he just says, "ok, I tried subtle. You're an idiot, so let me put you back on path a little more vigorously. If you decide to ignore me after that, it's your own damn problem." So, with that in-mind, I'm going to heed the not-so-subtle failures as signs that it was just an unmitigated disaster waiting to happen and this is the right course of action for the time being.

And now, to end on a positive note, I'M DONE!!! One semester of law school down! And it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Sure, it kicked my ass like a red neck beats his flamboyant son, but it could have been so much worse. At least I never found myself cowering in a corner muttering about intentional infliction of emotional distress. On that note, I'm surprised there aren't more law suits filed against law schools and professors on that ground. It's definitely intentional! The whole system is designed and perpetrated with the intent of beating down and destroying the students' psyche. It's systemic. Meh. (Btw, now that "meh" is officially a word, and I've been vindicated for using to prior to its official adoption, I need a new blase word to adopt before it becomes a "real" word.)

As for the exams, they're not exaggerated when people talk about the torture that is law school exams. My first two exams, Constitutional Process and Contracts went well. I'm not sure how I did on them at all, but I do know that they were essentially fair tests. Contracts might have been a bit better because it allowed for more subjectivity in the analysis, but still used an objective approach to issues, while Con Law might have been a bit too rigid for the type of exam.

My last exam, Torts, however, can claim no such thing. Not only was it impossible to do what was asked in the time allotted, due to the sheer number of issues and analysis involved, but of the three questions asked, one was so grossly unfair that it was tantamount to prejudice. The first two questions may have been unwieldy, but at least they were within the scope of the class and what the professor had said would be tested, but the last question, which thankfully was only 10% of the exam, was completely unfair because it asked about a recent case that we didn't study, wasn't in out texts, and that only someone who had payed attention for 2 minutes and memorized what he said in class would get. It's not even a case that has a decision yet. It's ironic that I'm bitching about that question, because I'm probably one of the three people who did remember the case and wrote on the correct topic, but I still feel it was prejudicial to those of us who got lucky with a good memory. It doesn't represent a good understanding or analysis of tort law. I feel bad for everyone else who was told, "don't focus on cases. Focus on issues and subject matter," and did just that. Maybe it means my conscience has survived the first semester of law school along with my sanity (although it's arguable I never had that to begin with and my tenuous hold on reality is out of sheer force of will). I hope I don't get in trouble for having a conscience next semester. I've heard rumors that they're banned after the first semester. We shall see...

By the way, if you actually read my blog, leave a comment. Tell me you hate it, tell me I'm arrogant, stupid, amazing, or whatever. Feedback makes writing so much easier. Unlike a lot of other bloggers, I actually like having a dialectic discourse with my readers. If you want me to read your blog, post it in the comments! If I like it, I'll share it!

Bay-of-fundie.com

2008-11-26T04:32:00.005-06:00

http://www.bay-of-fundie.com/

This is a great site. It's very sarcastic, always up on the latest events, and absolutely nails the fundamentalist "right" for what it is: a bunch of backwards hate-mongers who really need to mind their own business. One of my favorite quotes from the site says, "We may not have been founded as a Christian country, but at the rate things are going, we'll be one soon. And that will be a very horrible place to live in."

Gay Marriage Ban in CA (part II)

2008-11-05T13:06:00.004-06:00

So, it looks like the tyranny of the majority has spoken. Californian voters have approved a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage that will make any hope of extending this fundamental right to the rest of the country much more difficult. California has historically been a leader in social justice and discrimination reform. This is a very sad day, not only for the same-sex couples in this country who were looking to California to set a good example, but for everyone in the country who continues to live in a backward nation where up to 10% of the population is discriminated against for an immutable quality of their being.

Thank you to everyone in California who worked tirelessly on Vote No on Prop 8. Although you weren't successful, you should all be very proud of yourselves. Someday, hopefully, you'll get to look back and see this as part of the fight that won us our equality. To everyone who donated money because you couldn't be ther physically, thank you. It's unfortunate that we have to spend so much of our time and money fighting against something that should be guaranteed to us as citizens of the United States. It's deeply disturbing that the "religious" hypocrites of this country feel the need to pour millions of their dollars into this issue simply because of their insecurity.

It's deeply disturbing that on the day we elect the first African American president, a little more than forty years after the civil rights acts were introduced, we find ourselves facing another uphill battle for civil rights.

I hope everyone will continue to fight, and someday we will all be equal citizens of this country. Until then, support each other, love each other, and show the hateful people of this country that gays and lesbians deserve the same rights that they take for granted.

To all the religious, neo-conservative, hate mongers, I will be married in the church someday and God will approve, whether you do or not. The definition of marriage you long to protect is not yours to do anything with. My decision, or anyone else's decision to marry, is a personal choice between them, their spouse, their family, their friends, and their God. You can deny me all the civil liberties you want, but I will still get married in a church, in the eyes of God and Christ, and he will bless my marriage just as he has blessed the rest of my life.

Andrew

P.S. Marriage is NOT a "Christian" institution only. The idea that Christianity is somehow the basis of our country's marriage laws is absurd. Civil marriage predates Christianity by millennia, not to mention all of the other religions that celebrate marriage.

Please check out Debriefing the Boys for some very well written commentary on the issue.

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T06:55:00.001-05:00

Happy Halloween Everybody!

Here's the best Halloween movie (and incidentally the gayest Halloween movie) ever!

Gay Marriage Ban in CA

2008-10-12T23:17:00.002-05:00

Take a few minutes to check out this post from Matt. He did a great job, so I don't feel the need to rewrite his post. Take a few minutes to read about the upcoming vote on Proposition 8 in California, which would make gay marriage constitutionally illegal. If you can, please donate to help fight the "tyranny of the majority."

Debriefing the Boys - California Gay Marriage Vote

Andrew

Puppies, Abortion, Beatings, and Rainbows

2008-10-09T20:24:00.004-05:00

Ok, so let me just say that this post has nothing to do with puppies having abortions, or rainbows beating someone. They're just topics that came up in various conversations or observations today. Although, a puppy beating a woman who's having an abortion with a rainbow does sound rather funny..... sorry, I got sidetracked.

Anyway, so I'll start with the puppies! I want one! That's pretty much all there is to it, but the more time I spend here in Chicago, around all these people with dogs, the more I want one. The idea of coming home to a dog, taking one out to walk, even dealing with taking him or her, or them, to the vet sounds nice. It'd just be good to have something else alive in this place besides me. Plus it'd be nice to have something that I actualy want to spend time with, unlike my textbooks or my dishwasher (speaking of which, I really need to do dishes... and laundry... and dust... I'm really behind). Hopefully soon! Or at least when I graduate.

Ok, so the fun part: Abortions. That's been the topic of my Constitutional Process class lately and it's made me think. Well, actually the "topic" has been privacy, but since all the cases we've looked at have been about abortion, I think it's fair that's all I've gleaned from the discussions. Anyway, the cases have been about abortion and I've noticed a disturbing trend: the Court has lost its fucking mind! They keep giving pregnant women more rights and taking away the rights of everyone else in their lives!

Now, let me make one thing clear before I continue: I am pro choice, although I am not pro abortion. I believe women, within reason, should have the right to choose whether or not to carry a baby to full term.

What I take exception to is that women are not required to inform their spouses, their parents (if they're a minor), or the father. That's not to say that I think women should have to have permission in every case, but I think that an unwed, underage woman should have to notify her parents, regardless of the consequences with the only exceptions being for rape or incest. If she's having sex with her boyfriend, gets pregnant and is just afraid of what her parents will say or do, that's not good enough. Also, the father, even if he's a teenager, has a right to at least be informed, even if in this case it's ultimately the woman's right to decide.

In the case of a married woman, however, I do not believe she has the right to have an abortion without notifying her husband, at the very least. I also feel that if a woman gets married and becomes pregnant, her husband should be allowed a veto on abortion. Everyone wants to argue that a woman has more rights because it's her body, but that's fucking bullshit. It's just as much his child as hers and if she's in a consensual marital relationship, she doesn't get to arbitrarily decide to abort her baby without the father's notification and approval. I understand there should be an exception for maternal health, but otherwise, no go.

Gender discrimination goes both ways and the court has moved to support discrimination in favor of women now. Apparently this country is incapable of protecting equally. Bah!

Oh, and the most common excuse women use for why they can't tell their husbands? They're afraid he'll hit them. Well, did you ever stop to think that maybe that's God's way of terminating an unwanted pragnancy? I mean, if you tell your husband and he beats you until you have a miscarriage, that solves the problem right there....

Ok, I don't really believe that, mostly, but to me it sounds just as fair as the way things are set up now. The father has no rights, even if he entered into a marriage wanting a family, but that's all up to his wife. I just don't believe women should have more power than men. I'm all for equality, but even as a gay man I don't think it's fair that a woman can choose to deny her husband a child just because she doesn't want to go through pregancy. If that's the case, keep your legs closed or take every form of contraception you can find. If your husband is raping you, leave him, but don't give me this crap about women being too scared of their husbands to tell him. What's worse is that instead of finding ways to deal with those exceptions, we make it so that any woman, regardless of her situation, can get an abortion without telling her husband. Bullshit.

Ok, that's the rant on abortions.

Rainbows! I saw the most beautiful rainbow this morning on my way to class; it was arching over Chicago. I just wish I'd rememberd my camera. I really should start carrying it around.

Andrew

Porn and more drama.

2008-10-08T20:03:00.008-05:00

So, drama, there was more of it today, at least more fallout from this weekend. I did my best to avoid it, but it's difficult to distance myself completely since I sit right in the middle of the people who caused it every day. Basically, they've all taken to acting even more juvenile than before and are now sulking around, refusing to make eye contact with each other, and blatantly ignoring the issues at hand. When I asked one of the involved persons about what happened, his response was, "eh, who knows?" Doesn't sound like resolution or forgiveness is forthcoming any time soon. Boo. Makes class very stressful, mostly because no one talks and thus class is boring.

On that note, I have to say that although I like how the school prescribes first year classes so that students aren't at a loss for what to take and they get to know their peers well, there are some problems in how they do it. First off, I understand assigned seats from the professors' perspective. It allows them to get to know people and keep track of who participates and who doesn't. On the other hand, it severely limits the friends one can make, because we have to choose our seats on the first day of class, after having met our fellow students for only a few days before that. After that, it becomes difficult to meet other people, especially since people tend to group up and then barricade themselves from new people.

I hope that I can make some new friends, in addition to the ones I have, over the remaining semester and break so that I have more options about where to sit and stuff next semester.

On another note, having sex this last weekend has really helped me in school. All the sexual frustration that had built up over the two months since I had last seen the boyfriend vanished and it makes focusing on school so much easier. In light of this realization that sex = better focus in school, I made sure it wouldn't be so long until I saw him again. He's coming for my birthday at the end of the month, so woot! lol. I never thought I'd be dependent on someone for physical contact, because although we talk everyday, usually texting all day and on the phone at night; the longer I go without touching him, the grumpier I get, and my focus in school fades.

Dumb people, friends, and cute boys

2008-10-07T19:19:00.014-05:00

First off, YAY!!! I've survived half of my first semester of law school, and so far, so good! I think I might, just maybe, be getting the hang of this. At least we're done with the commerce clause. Anyone who knows what it is will understand my happiness at being done with it.

Anyway, on to the good stuff....

Cute boys!

Okay, so not so much cute boys as cute boy. This weekend was all about the boyfriend (although that's not to say I didn't get in trouble occasionally for saying another guy was cute). He flew in Friday night, got here about 8, and left Sunday afternoon around 5. What happened in between is nothing short of amazing. It was basically two and a half days of bliss. We fucked, made love, cooked, drank wine, ate great food, shopped, walked around the beautiful city, and just enjoyed getting to see each other.

It was amazing. Especially the sex. Last time he was here, I was so stressed that we only had sex a couple times in a week. This trip, we had sex like ten times in the two days he was here and I can only imagine we'd have done it more if my friend hadn't showed up Saturday night (more on that in a minute). It was amazing. The sex was amazing. By the end of it, we were both sore and I think having a bit of a hard time walking. The best time was when we came home from dinner on Saturday night and he laid me down on the living room chair and started sucking me off. He kept teasing me and playing with me for a good half hour. At that point I think he was about to burst because he stopped and asked if we could have sex instead. At first I was a bit reluctant because he's so good at blowing me, but I did and it turned out to be one of our hottest fucks ever. I'd go into more detail, but I think that might border on pornography, lol.

Anyway, needless to say it was a great weekend. Despite Saturday night/Sunday morning, which just made me wonder if there's any standard of maturity by which age has relevance....

I never thought I would look back on my High School life and think, "Wow, I wish I was back there because the people were so much more mature," but here I am, thinking just that. Law school is like being back in junior high. Every look, every touch, every statement is taken with the very worst of meanings and the cliques are almost unbearable. The only difference is that all of the individuals are smart, educated, and competitive, so it exacerbates the situation.

Fortunately, I've managed to stay somewhat detached from a large part of the drama by simply not getting too involved with very many people. However, it's not a fool proof plan and this weekend I found myself right in the middle.

Basically it goes like this:

At 4:30 AM on Saturday night/Sunday morning, I'm laying in bed, curled up around my beautiful boyfriend, kissing and thinking maybe we'll get another round of sex in tonight before he has to leave tomorrow, when my intercom starts buzzing. Unhappily, I walk out to the hallway and answer, "uh, yes?" The doorman tells me my friend is here to see me. I quickly start to think, "Did I invite her over? Did she tell me she was coming? Did she call first?" I decide the answer to all of these questions is "no," but to let her up anyway.

Five minutes later, she hasn't arrived at my door and I wonder what might have happened, so I wait a few more minutes when the intercom goes off again. This time the doorman sounds fucking pissed and tells me, "hey, your friend is here!" To which I respond, "send her up then, and it's not like I knew she was coming." He verifies my condo number and sends her back up; this time she shows up. She's beyond drunk, speaking incoherently, and I wonder how she made it to my place.

She then begins to hang all over my boyfriend, who she's never met before, and myself, slurring and trying to recount for me how she ended up at my place before she collapsed into the chair in my living room, head hanging over a trashcan. Needless to say, it wasn't one of her better moments.

When she sobered up in the morning, I managed to get a more complete and intelligible version of the story. Apparently she had gone to dinner with some friends and their friends, who she didn't know. She then proceeded to get plastered at dinner, get sick, and had to be taken back to one of their houses. At that point she got even more intoxicated, said something she shouldn't have and went to talk to one of our friends. They got into some discussion that left them both upset, her wandering around the streets, and now a very uncomfortable situation at school. Now I've got friends who aren't speaking to each other because they're too immature to simply talk about what's going on. It's really quite annoying I must say.

I can't wait until the boyfriend moves and I can come home to him every night instead of worrying about friends and their juvenile methods of dealing with each other. Seriously, who gives someone the cold shoulder in law school? Aren't these people supposed to be adults and good communicators?

Oh well. I look at it like this. If they all spend all of their time being dramatic, causing problems for themselves and others, and not focusing on school, it can't do anything except help my class rank. At the very least it won't hurt me. Maybe that's selfish, but they always say law school will bring out your competitive side, so here mine is!

~Andrew

Libraries and Relationships

2008-09-16T11:09:00.005-05:00

So, I'm sitting in the library, supposedly studying for Torts. We're in this little room and everyone else is highlighting and reading carefully, or at least pretending to. I, however, have decided that studying is just not an acceptable use of my time right now, but I don't want to get up and leave yet. I wish I could say the reason is because I don't want to look bad for leaving when I should be studying, but the truth is: my bag is so heavy with all my books and I'm tired of carrying it right now. Maybe I'll get up after this blog and go get some lunch.

So, things finally seem to be settling into a pattern. There's a glimpse of order in the chaos and it's getting easier to judge time and balance the important things with the fun things. The only hard part is trying to keep up with a long distance relationship. We're doing the best we can, but it's tough not getting to see each other.

On that note, I think I'm getting used to being alone again. I know I love him, but I also know that I love having the bed to myself at night, being able to come and go as I please, not feeling guilty for anything, watching whatever I want on TV, cooking what I want, and not trying to balance him with homework. I worry that when/if he moves here it will be very difficult to balance school and the relationship, which is why I'm making sure we both understand school has to come first. I won't give up on us unless it adversely affects my academic performance. If it does, I'll have to try the single life again.

Wow, rereading that sounds very depressing. I'm not depressed at all; not even a little. I'm just facing the reality that a relationship is very difficult long distance even without the burden of school, let alone law school. I'm not a fatalist, thinking that things are doomed, but I am a realist and I know that my priority is school, not a relationship. I know it hurts his feelings when he realizes where he ranks in my life compared to school, but I can't change that about myself; nor would I want to.

Anyway, I probably should get some lunch and finish my reading for Torts.

SOOOO HOTT!!!!

2008-09-12T22:56:00.003-05:00

Ok, so I watched "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" tonight and they had two of hottest twins I've ever seen in my life on. It was insane! Omg these guys were hot, and not only that, there names were Daniel and Dylan COX! Haha. Wow. Man, I'm not much for incest, but wow.... anyway... back to the rest of life.

A rant, a rave, and maybe an update if I get to it...

2008-09-11T16:29:00.011-05:00

The next time this stupid bitch in my class opens her fat mouth, I'm going to get a stapler and shut it for her permanently! (Disclaimer: not an actual threat.) But no, seriously, there's a girl in my class who makes me want to stab my finger through my eye, swirl it around, and pour rubbing alcohol in the wound. I think that severe amount of pain is the only thing that could be distracting enough to keep her shrill, slow, "uh"-filled speech out of my mind. It's like a buzz-saw cutting through your head, but in slow motion, so you can feel EVERY. SINGLE. STAB.

It is by far the most annoyed I've ever been in a class room; however, I have to say I am very proud of myself for not yelling at her yet. I've only turned around and told her to shut-up under my breath a few times. Thus far, she's managed to garner several nicknames from various parts of the class: "Häagen-Dazs," "Ditzy Bitch," "(Cow) Chopper," and "That-idiot-girl-who-sits-in-the-fifth-row-asking-all-those-stupid-questions."

*Deep breath*

On to a more general annoyance. Law school is the breeding ground of intellectual morons. It is where all the people you hated in your undergraduate classes went. The kids who were always the first ones with their hands in the air, even if there wasn't a question. The kids who argued with the professor, were rude, and loved to drag the class on a thirty-minute tangent about a subject that's five chapters ahead in the book, all just to show that they've read more than everyone else and that somehow that makes them special.

The problem is, I have yet to have a professor answer a student's "What if..." question with a resounding, "Yes! Exactly!" but rather it usually sounds more like, "Well, uh, what?" And of course the student goes into asking the question again, but they ask it the same way, somehow thinking if they say it again with no change it will suddenly and miraculously make sense. (They're like those morons you see at Chinese restaurants who yell really loudly at the Chinese staff, mistakenly thinking the reason Chinese people don't understand is because they're all partially deaf. No!) Anyway, at least the majority of "those" people have finally figured out that constantly asking hypothetical scenario questions doesn't progress the class, and ultimately makes him or her the bitter enemy of everyone else in the room who is now more confused because of the convoluted Q&A session he just put them through. For the moment, however, it's pretty much limited to that stupid bitch mentioned above.

*Another Deep Breath*

Ok, that was the bad stuff. Now for the good stuff! The good news is that I've finally made some friends and I'm finally getting the hang of the insane schedule this kind of studying takes. Law School is nothing like I expected, at least emotionally. I expected it to feel hard, but so far it doesn't feel hard, it just feels exhausting. The material isn't drastically more difficult than a senior undergraduate thesis (except it's every day), but it just takes sooooooo much time. I spend 8-12 hours a day on schoool. And that's a short day by comparison to a lot of people! I at least have the luxury of time to eat and ride the bus or train without opening a book. There are people in my class who study from the moment they wake up until the moment they go to bed.

It's insane! I gotta say; if that's what it takes to make a 4.0, then I don't want it. I'll take my 3.8 and a life, thank you very much.

So, that's law school. I read and read and read and read and read... and read... and read. Oh, and then I write some before I go back to reading! That's another thing! Writing is so friggin' hard! I mean, I would like to think I'm a decent writer, and according to my professor I've got great prose, but apparently I haven't quite mastered the structure of legal writing yet. Conflating things properly isn't nearly as easy as one might hope. But that's of no consequence at the moment because I've already finished my project for next week, so at least I can enjoy my weekend.

Weekend: that brings up an interesting, albeit a bit weird, topic. My weekend plans will be spent with my parents, but not my mom and step-dad, or my dad and step-mom, but rather my mom and dad; the breeders who brought me into this world. It's an odd setup too. Both of them have conferences either this week or next week in the midwest, so they both thought they'd come visit. Fortunately my dad gets here about 2pm tomorrow and goes home at 10am Saturday morning, whereas my mother arrives at 10am on Saturday morning and leaves Sunday afternoon for her conference. The convenience is that they're not coming together AND I don't have to waste a trip out to the airport just to see my dad off. It'll be perfect timing if everything goes the way it's suppose to.

Alright, I've rambled on long enough. I need to go do the homework I won't have time to do this weekend with the parentals needing entertainment.

Coming out... again

2008-08-26T19:35:00.002-05:00

So, moving is wonderful and I love meeting new people and making new friends, but it's kinda like having to come out all over again. At first I thought it was going to be no big deal. I'm already out and comfortable with who I am, so why should it matter who knows here? After a few days, however, I realized that it matters a great deal because I don't have the same security I had back home when I came out the first time, or when I came out in college. I was close enough to home and a few good friends that it wouldn't make a difference if new people didn't accept me.

That's all changed in Chicago. I'm pretty much alone here and I have no barometer for measuring the people around me yet. I don't know enough about them to predict how they'll act upon my disclosure. Fortunately, I found the two most experienced fag-hags in the room within hours of starting school. One is a southern bell with a sharp wit and political mind, while the other is a quiet thinker with a sarcastic remark always at the ready. Both can hold their liquor and both offer different things, but more than anything they offer comfort. They're kind, they're smart, and they love fags.

It also helps that I live about 5 minutes from one of the largest concentrations of gay men in the world. Boystown, Chicago is just north of me and I really couldn't ask for a more comfortable location as far as my sexuality is concerned. Plus, if I go south I have the best shopping anyone could ever ask for, so it really is a gay boy's dream. I'm right on the beach, my proximity to unlimited gorgeous men is hard to beat, and I can get all the exercise I ever wanted walking down the Magnificent Mile.

So the moral of the story is this: if you move, find a couple of great girls and pray they've dated, dumped, and ended up being best friends with a gay guy. From there meeting the boys and worrying about public opinion becomes so much less stressful.

Andrew

First day of law school!!

2008-08-20T18:14:00.003-05:00

So today was my first official day of law school! Woot! Ok, not so much "woot" as *yawn*. It was a very very long day of boring speeches, orientation type materials, and 2L/3L students giving repetitive advice. It really could have all been summed up in about 2 hours, but no, 9 hours was more appropriate apparently. Nevertheless, I had a good time due to meeting some wonderful people. We talked and made fun of the nerdy speakers (all in jest of course) and planned out the next couple days of class and where we're going for drinks on Friday.

I also signed up for a ton of random organizations. I have no idea which ones will actually inspire me, but I have a feeling my BlackBerry is suddenly going to explode with e-mails shortly. I made the mistake of signing up for a bit of everything and accidentally found myself signed up for the Federalists club and the LGBT club. Those two are NOT compatible as the former is a conservative, Reagan loving, Scalia founded organization, and the latter supports gay rights and issues. So in the end, I had to find a way to get my name off of the Federalists club and onto the libertarian club. At least they don't give a damn what I do so long as I don't infringe on their right to smoke pot.

All in all, it was a good day. Very productive, albeit boring. At least I found out that I'm ahead of 90% of the class in my reading assignments already, so that's a good start to the year.

Anyway, I'm off to enjoy the last two days of freedom before things really get out of hand!

A new home for a new life

2008-07-27T14:17:00.003-05:00

I'm finally moved!!! I'm in Chicago and I'm ready to get back to school. It already feels like home; maybe even more so than Dallas ever did. It's just more "me". I love the urbanism of the entire city, not to mention I'm living in an amazing condo overlooking the lake and Navy Pier. The beach is a few minutes walk away, downtown is a short bus ride away, all the shopping I could ever want is either just down the street to my south or to my west (take your pick). I really couldn't ask for something better. Amazing views, excellent food, wonderful people, and SEASONS!

Speaking of people and views, oh dear lord. This place has so many beautiful guys (and I guess I should add "women" too, although that's not exactly my focus ya know). Every where you turn there are guys with perfect bodies, perfect teeth, gorgeous tans, and witty intellect. Being in a city with so many top universities means that the odds of finding an unintelligent 18-25 year old is very low. Everyone I've talked to so far is eloquent, educated, and charming.

Alright, so I've been packing/unpacking for four days now, going on five, and I'm ready to take a short break, although I think I'll have to continue to unpack for a little while longer today. My room still has a few boxes that need to be emptied and their contents found a place. Shouldn't be too bad. This place is soooooooo much bigger than my last one and it all fit in there.

$3,485 for my life

2008-07-16T15:50:00.003-05:00

Yep, that's the going rate. I basically sold my life for three grand today. I woke up at 9am, got dressed, and started moving stuff. The washer and dryer were the first to go for $375, then the coffee table and end tables for $25, and my dresser for $75. All that went to an older lady and her husband. Then went the TV, the TV that was the center of my life in HS. My friends would come over and we'd hang out in the media room, playing games, having pillow fights, watching movies, etc. It was sad to see it go, but for $260 and not having to move 150 lbs of television, it was a bittersweet goodbye.

Then my car. It hasn't actually sold yet, but I've got a pretty secure lock on $2,750 for it, so it looks like I'll have gotten rid of everything I needed to get rid of and gotten a little more money for it than I would have thought. The nice thing is that my earnings more than covers my moving costs so far and will greatly ease the burden of the move.

As for the rest of life, things are steadily moving along. The closer it gets to move time, the more "real" it becomes; the more I start to realize I'm going to miss. Then again, I haven't gotten to feeling sad about it yet; just nostalgic. I know my friends will still be my friends and I know I'll be back to visit, but it's time to move on in life, to something new and different; a new place with new people with different views and opinions.

I'm very excited!

One week and I'm outta here :)

Cleaning out the comp and I found this...

2008-07-10T04:34:00.004-05:00

I was going through cleaning up some files and found this picture. I downloaded it awhile ago from another blog (unfortunately I can't remember which one) but felt it was still apt for today.

Moving = No Sleep

2008-07-09T19:56:00.004-05:00

The closer I get to moving, the less sleep I seem to be getting. It doesn't seem to matter when I go to bed or how long I stay in bed, I wake more tired than when I went to bed. It's not that I have "bad" dreams or that I'm particularly worried about anything, but the dreams I do have tend to center around everything I have yet to do before I leave and that tends to leave me exhausted. I'm almost better not attempting sleep at all, because when I'm awake, at least then my thought process is productive; when I'm asleep all I come up with is a list of problems, but no real solutions.

Perhaps the biggest "problem" I've encountered is relationships. I'm not currently in one, but I've sorta got myself involved with someone who really wants a relationship and if I were staying, I wouldn't hesitate, but the uncertainties of what the future holds in Chicago has made me weary to commit to anything more permanent than what to eat for dinner each night. The idea that I might get involved in a long-distance relationship that would keep me from experiencing new people and new relationships is very disconcerting. My issue isn't really that I don't know what I should do (stay single) but that I don't want to hurt this person here more than I have to. I do think that he knows how I feel, but nonetheless it's something I'll have to confront in a more official manner soon.

Beyond relationships, things are stressful simply because of the shear number. Everyday I realize there's another task to be done, something else to be researched, another item to buy or sell. It's more frustrating than anything else, but that stems more from my nature of needing a finite list than it does from the actual number of things to do. I just like having a list to work from that I can feel like I'm making progress, but this list just seems to keep growing no matter how quickly I work.

Oh well. Besides the lack of sleep and the lack of a real "list", I'm still very excited and happy to be moving. I'm going to miss certain things about Dallas, mostly the people I've grown close to over the years, but I think the potential gains in Chicago outweigh the losses.

Anyway, tonight is going to be spent working and trying to catch up on some projects I've neglected while trying to sleep. There's just not enough time to do everything, so I've had to cancel on some people and amend my commitments to others just so that I can accomplish the important tasks and as many of the optional ones as possible.

On Being Unproductive

2008-06-27T17:06:00.004-05:00

So random crap. I have been beyond worthless this week. I've only managed to work 30 hours this week and I've gotten very little done despite sitting and staring at the screen and trying to work. Every time I made progress, I'd find something that was wrong; it was insufferably frustrating at times. I think I just need a vacation, so that's what I'm going to try and make this weekend.

It's been a long week. Last week I was in Chicago (last blog) and that was far from relaxing so this weekend is going to be nothing but fun, sleep, and laziness. I'm just burned out I suppose. I can't wait to go back to school so maybe I can actually start a career that I enjoy in the near future.

Anyway, back to laziness.

Andrew

P.S. Relationships are unnecessarily complicated, so if you remove the relationship part, things aren't so bad. And yes, that's meant to be convoluted.

Chicago - Post Trip

2008-06-22T01:20:00.000-05:00

This trip was very productive but it was also very stressful. My mom and I got along very well, so that was good and probably made the rest bearable. Looking for apartments/living is bad enough in Dallas, but Chicago is just awful! There's really not enough places for the number of people looking, which is sad. It means that rental prices are through the roof, and it's all because the housing market is so bad that no one wants to take the risk to buy something. Oh well, another topic for another blog.

Although the experience was extremely frustrating, it was ultimately very fruitful. I ended up finding my dream place. It's on the lake, right by one of the most popular beaches and just a few minutes from navy pier. I'll be able to watch the fireworks every Wednesday and Saturday from my place. I'll also get to see the air show (HUGE deal in Chicago) from my condo. It's everything I wanted and more. The address is about as prestigious as I could hope to get at this age, it's close to everything, it's got my dream kitchen and my landlord is a very attractive, very successful guy in his mid-thirties, educated at SMU. It was a very odd experience, but somehow fortuitously fortunate.

I also managed to FINALLY find a good messenger bag. I had to visit every major mall and every store I could think of (Prada, Gucci, Boss, Vuitton, etc.) before I found the perfect bag. I ended up going waay cheap with a Boss bag the clerk rang up accidentally 50% off and when I pointed it out the manager said, "guess it's your lucky day."

I also managed to snag a new MacBook. It's not a Pro, but it's going to serve my school needs very well for a much cheaper price. It also garnered me a new iPod touch, which i'm currently writing this on, because of the "buy a MacBook for school, get an iPod free" deal they have going on.

Needless to to say, it was a VERY good week for getting stuff I've been needing and wanting for school. That much less to take care of later!

I am now on the plane, getting close to landing time. I'm sure I'll have more to add to this later, but it'll have to suffice for now since I've got an angry flight attendant looking at me menacingly to turn off my gizmos and gadgets aplenty!

Chicago Checklist and Douche Ex Bf's

2008-06-17T17:59:00.003-05:00

Alright, so this trip is all about finding a place to live and finalizing this move! I'm so excited! Now I just need to get packed. I'll be staying at my parents' place this evening so it's not quite so hectic in the morning when we're trying to leave. I think a check list is in order:

5 shirts - check
2 pairs of jeans - check
2 pairs of shorts - check
3 pairs of shoes - check (yes, THREE pairs)
5 pairs of socks - check
5 undershirts - check (walking around = sweat, which is gross)
5 pairs of [cute] underwear - check (who knows who might see them!)
...and laptop - NO! (Mine currently has a 6 minute boot time, 4 minute shut down time, only a 30 minute battery, and weighs 7 pounds; not worth it; need a new one!)

I think I'm good to go on the clothing front; now I just need to make sure I have a charger for my phone and I'm good to go. Thank god it has internet or I'd lose my mind not having a computer for 4 days! Bless you BlackBerry!

I'm so beyond ready for this trip! Woot! Excited!

Oh, and as a side note, don't ever send your ex an e-mail saying you're still in love and that you miss him after you broke up with him for another guy. That's what I started my day with, a lovely e-mail from my ex, who now lives with his new boyfriend! Douche! But at least he's not my problem anymore! HA!

Wedding

2008-06-14T23:49:00.004-05:00

So I went to what I would call a perfect wedding today. The bride and groom have known each other since they were kids, they were high school sweet hearts, they went to college together, and they are absolutely perfect together. It made me extremely jealous, but in a very good way. Seeing two people so absolutely in-love, where everyone there knew it was the right decision for them, was an affirming experience.

The wedding itself was short and sweet. They said all the right things, the prayers were powerful but not drawn out, and the couple was emotional. It was a wonderful experience; one where you see them and know they were meant for each other. Truly awe inspiring. I only hope to have what they have some day.

The wedding had the added effect of making me realize I'm an adult. All of my friends and acquaintances are getting married and moving on to bigger and better things. It's very encouraging and inspirational. Now all I have to do is finish law school, find Mr. Right, fall madly in-love, date for seven years, and I can have what they have... ok, so maybe I don't need to repeat exactly, but it's not a bad idea!

To all the newly weds of the world, and particularly Mark and Michelle today, I wish you all the best of luck in your new life!

Andrew

P.S. Salsa dancing with your best friend and having everyone whisper, "Wow! They're really good!" when you have no clue what you're doing, is ALWAYS a good thing!

No Regrets, No Apologies

2008-06-13T22:14:00.004-05:00

I thought I would take a few minutes to write a little more about my life now. My last post was all about my coming out experience when I was younger, so now I thought I'd share about my life now.

First off, I want to say that I have the best friends and family anyone could ever ask for. They are compassionate, caring, honest, funny, wonderful people, and they would do anything for me. I've found that people are often jealous of my friends and my family, particularly my mother. She is an amazing woman; strong, passionate, caring, and completely honest. I suppose I have her to thank more than anyone for the person I am today. That doesn't mean we are exactly alike or that I think the same way she does, but she has always encouraged me to be who I am and has even credited me with giving her the strength to become who she is today.

With that being said, I think I can credit my great friends to one thing: their ability to put up with my complete and utter lack of tact. My inability and complete lack of interest in being subtle or "nice" with my words has garnered me friends that love me completely because they know I will always tell them what I truly think and I will never regret it or apologize for it. That's not to say I never apologize for the result of my actions, but I never apologize for being blunt, often extremely. I will apologize for hurting their feelings, but not for sharing what I think. For many of them this took time to accept, that someone who so obviously loves them and would do anything for them could be so hurtful at times, but once they realize that it's overall in their best interest and mine, best for our friendship, they learn to tolerate it.

And I do mean tolerate it. They definitely don't always like what I have to say, nor do they always think I'm right, but they always know that if they ask for my opinion (or even when they don't) they're always going to get an honest answer. I don't believe that a lie, or even a softened truth, does anyone any good. The world has become far too politically correct, and I feel that PC is BS. Anyone who is too scared to accept the truth shouldn't seek it, and conversely anyone asked to give the truth shouldn't mar it by adding "fluff" and trying to console the feelings of the individual asking.

That brings me to another point, that although seems random popped into my head as I was writing. If you decide that your life isn't worth living, I am NOT the person to tell. If you decide that you want to commit suicide, go ahead and do it; this world is overpopulated and overly sensitive as it is. If you can't deal with this world, then go for it. If you're so selfish that you can't accept your lot in life, that there's nothing left for you to do or offer the world, then please, kill yourself. If you're so miserable, even rightfully so (disease, pain, loss, whatever the cause), then don't burden yourself or the world with your existence. If you come to me and tell me you want to kill yourself, I'm going to ask why, I'm going to try to talk you out of it, but if after a certain point you still don't think your life is worth living, I'm going to hand you two things: the number for a qualified shrink and whatever you need to kill yourself, whether that be the bullets, the pills, or the rope. Go ahead and get it over with so your family and friends can hate you. That may seem harsh to many, but if you're talking to me and you don't think you have anything to live for, then you're wrong; I don't surround myself with people who have nothing to offer the world, so if I can't convince you of that, then it's not worth it.

Ok, so now I've covered suicide; I suppose I should move on to a "happier" subject. Although this post isn't really a "happy" post, so I'm not really sure what that will be. It's not a depressed entry, just a statement on my life philosophy, that no one should be coddled simply because they don't want to deal with the world.

Regrets are so far beyond pointless I can't even begin to describe my loathing for them. What good did a regret ever do anyone? All peoples of all walks of life make mistakes, but it's what we learn from the mistakes that defines our future actions, not a life long yearning to undo what's been done. No one can change what has been and no one should try. Life isn't about being perfect, or even trying to be; how fucking boring would that be?! Life is a journey, a series of actions and consequences that shape who we are. If every mistake becomes a regret, then learning has ceased and self-pity has taken over. It is not enough to move on from the past, but you must forgive yourself for your past, no matter what it is. Now, I want to clarify one small detail: actions of a malicious nature should be regrettable; any intentional or overtly negligent harm shouldn't be something you can get over; there's no positive growth that can come from that. But that's just my opinion.

Speaking of learning, there are enough mistakes left to be made in the world, so stop repeating those of everyone around you! If you see your best friend drive drunk and get into a car accident, there is no reason you should repeat that mistake. Make new ones! Learn from others; listen when they give their advice. There is nothing that annoys me more than when someone asks for my advice, ignores it, and then complains when their way of doing things fails. If you ask my advice and don't take it, don't come complain to me when you fail (although I do have a rather compassionate heart, so I will probably come get you when you're in the middle of nowhere, sans "I told you so").

The United States has become a place where sheltering and protecting children and young adults is a way of life, but in a devastating way. We shelter our children from positive images of sex and love while allowing them to watch violent movies and play video games featuring decapitation and senseless violence before they even have a concept of death. I feel very fortunate that my parents did not let me watch extremely violent movies or play exceedingly violent video games until they knew I was old enough to handle them; which brings me to another point. There is no such thing as the "right age" for anything. There are many thirteen and fourteen year olds out there that are more mature than the early twenties crowd and can handle many adult situations with more maturity and understanding. There are also many in the same age range that still shouldn't be allowed to see PG-13 movies, as they aren't yet able to mentally understand what is going on. Which leads me to parents.

Parents are wonderful and awful. They are either the best experience one can have or the worst, but no matter what, they are a profound part of any child's life. Even children who have no parents are affected by them, the mere lack of them. Parents should take more responsibility for understanding and communicating with their children. This is not the 1970's and raising children like it is just doesn't work. They have access to information and media that simply wasn't available when modern parents were born. Therefore parents need to stop reading the "How to" books and pay attention to their children. My mother was not around a lot when I was growing up because she had to work. I spent a lot of time in daycare and taking care of myself; however, I have a relationship with my mother that is enviable by most people, simply because despite her lack of being physically present, she took the time to get to know ME, not try to make me. Children come pre-coded to a great extent (don't jump to the nature vs. nurture argument just yet) and need to be encouraged to discover themselves, not be programmed.

Alright, so I've covered a few of my favorite "life" topics so far, but I think my biggest is so antithetical to what I've said so far that many people would call me a hypocrite after what I've just written, but take a few minutes to think about what I'm about to say before you jump to a conclusion.

The only reason we're alive is to make relationships with other people. I've been asked many times in life, "why are we here?" and I've always had the same response: to love. To find others to love as friends, as family, and romantically. That's it. Whether your Christian, or Atheist, or Jewish, or Muslim, that should be the goal, because all of those religions, and many others, teach love above all else. Even if all the religions are wrong, finding other people in the world to share ones life with is paramount. It means immortality; it means that each person will contribute to the greater whole and make the species a better people. With that in-mind, it is eseential that all actions be considered in how they will affect others. Sometimes the action is worth hurting someone else, and sometimes it is not. Take my blunt, tactless approach to life. I hurt people all the time with what I say, but I don't apologize for it and I don't regret it, because of those people who have been so hurt by what I've said they no longer want to speak to me, they're better people now for it. I could have patronized them and told them what they wanted to hear and we'd still be friends, but in the end, they are better for it and I have served my purpose as their friend.

No regrets, no apologies. It's not a blank ticket philosophy to do as you will; it must be wielded with the utmost respect for those who love you. It is a strength and confidence that cannot be matched, but it can also be a weapon that can destroy everything, but it's a risk I've found well worth taking.

Andrew

Coming out

2008-06-03T18:34:00.006-05:00

Ok, so coming out is just about the most uncomfortable situation a person can be in. Trying to figure out the best way to tell your friends and family, your co-workers and even your enemies is a very unpleasant and difficult experience, and it really shouldn't have to be. Unfortunately, society has spent millenia making sure it's as difficult as possible, simply because it's something the majority has condemned and relegated to the realm of evil.

I recently began dating a very sweet guy who was totally closeted, although he has known for quite some time. We'd been on one date and he was completely closeted; by the second, he'd managed to accidentally, although unashamedly, out himself to most of his friends in one fell swoop by means of a technical glitch on a social networking site. That night he came out to his parents, who were very accepting thankfully, and for the most part, that was it. He had what I would call the easiest coming out experience in history, all thanks to modern technology and a shrinking world.

His experience got me thinking about my own and I wish my experience had been so simple. I was 15 and my best friend, I'll call her Allison, was pressuring me to ask out one of our mutual friends, who I'll call Kelly. I kept telling Allison I wasn't interested, that the girl in question wasn't my type. She didn't understand and neither did anyone else. Kelly had an obvious crush on me, she was tall, blond, beautiful, talented, brilliant, and by all accounts perfect. She was also one of my best friends at the time. Allison, Kelly, and I all shared an Algebra II class together, Allison and I against the windows and Kelly halfway across the room. I remember I was working on a problem at the end of class one day and Allison, never one for tact, turned around and asked me why I hadn't asked Kelly out yet. I was stunned; I had been out to some of my non-school friends for a couple years (12, to be exact) but they were far away and there was no chance of their knowing ever affecting my life, so it hadn't been hard to tell them.

All I could do was tell her that Kelly simply wasn't my type. At that point she became suspicious and began pestering me constantly, in the halls when we passed each other, at lunch, and even as we left school. Eventually I promised I'd tell her that evening if she'd just drop the subject for a few hours. I began going over what I was going to say; it was terrifying and yet exhilarating all at the same time. I was going to come out for the first time in any sort of meaningful way and to my best friend of all people.

I got home, made dinner, watched some TV, did my homework; a typical night. Around 6:30 I went to the computer, signed on AOL Instant Messenger and before it had even finished loading completely I received an IM from Allison asking point blank, "so what's up? why won't you date her?" For the next three hours I danced around the subject, changing topics, discussing homework, gossiping about anyone else I could think of, but eventually there was nothing left to discuss except the topic at hand. Allison's a smart girl and although she let me steer the conversation away from Kelly, she quickly brought it back when she realized I was out of stalling tactics. It took another thirty minutes of badgering before I finally typed the two words that changed my life, "I'm gay."

That was it. There was a long pause where the line at the bottom of the screen kept changing back and forth between "Allison is typing a message" and nothing. She was shocked, but eventually she managed to spit out a very short phrase, "call me" and she logged off. I grabbed a phone and made a dash for my bedroom; this definitely wasn't a conversation I was ready for my parents to overhear. For the next six hours we talked and I realized that despite the awkwardness, our friendship was stronger than ever. She didn't reject me. She told me she loved me and that she was going to be there for me. It was one of the best days of my life in retrospect.

The next day at school was incredibly uncomfortable. We talked as we always did, but it was strained; I knew she was still my friend but it was going to take awhile to adjust. It wasn't until senior year that I learned she had a crush of her own on me and that although she dealt with it just fine, my coming out was hard on her in ways I hadn't anticipated.

After coming out to Allison, life got easier. I had one person, my best friend, who was going to stand by my side and nothing else mattered. Over the next few months I came out to my parents and my other friends, even Kelly. She took it very hard, but we moved past it, at least until college. We were roommates for a short time but after she saw me start to date and find love with someone else, another guy, she decided it just wasn't something she could handle and she left, gave up our friendship, and we've never been able to recover since.

My dad and step-bitch essentially disowned me until my father realized that just because I was gay didn't mean I was horrible person or that I was going to throw my life away. Only recently have we come to any sort of common ground and understanding. I'm not sure we'll ever be able to repair our relationship since I still feel he was in the wrong for how he found out and he doesn't. I've forgiven him for how he found out, but not his reaction. He discovered I was gay by going through and reading all my AIM conversation logs. I don't think he'll ever apologize for it, but that's just who he is. I'm sorry I'm not closer to that part of my family and I'm sorry I'm not allowed to be part of my sisters' lives because of my horrible step-mother, but I'm not going to pity myself.

I'm proud of who I am and the process of coming out helped me find who I am. I'm a very strong, driven individual who doesn't hide who I am for anyone. If you don't like me, that's your problem; I'm a wonderful person with a caring heart, so it's your loss.

Coming out is hard; it's unpleasant for everyone involved, but it's like getting into a cold pool. If you wade in slowly, you'll extend the misery for a long time, but if you simply jump into the deep end and endure the pain for a couple minutes, it's all over quickly and you can enjoy the rest of the experience.

Appendicitis

2008-05-31T01:19:00.003-05:00

So, I had appendicitis this week. I went to the doctor on Wednesday morning with a mild pain in my lower abdomen. By Thursday morning it was much worse. I went in for a follow up on Thursday at 8am and by 8:15 I was on my way to surgeon. At 11 I was being sent from the surgeon to the hospital for a CT scan. At 4pm my surgeon comes in and very calmly tells me, "so, yeah, you have appendicitis. We've already admitted you to the hospital, so if you'll just follow this nurse, we'll get you into a room and we'll do the surgery tomorrow morning at 7am."

So that's what I did today. They came to get me at 7, by that point I was in a lot of pain, and by 10 I was awake in recovery. They put me on a liquid diet and after making sure I wasn't going to have any complications they sent me home at 5pm. LONGEST two days of my life. I'm not writing in much detail because there's really not a lot to tell, BUT I do have to say that something like this shows you how much your friends really care and I have to say that I have the best friends anyone could ask for. Some of my friends came to visit and those that couldn't called and texted to keep me entertained and to check up on me.

I'm home and resting/recovering now, but I'm still bored! Hopefully I'll be feeling better tomorrow!

Friendships, Relationships, Being Gay, and Sex

2008-05-27T15:16:00.007-05:00

So I was reading one of my friend's older blogs (≠ True Friendship">Casual Acquaintance >≠ True Friendship) and it got me thinking about the new definition of "friend". It used to be that one's "best friend" was just that: their best friend. Nowadays, that term is indicative not of any superlative form of friendship, but rather merely a good friendship, someone who has exemplified what really should be expected in a friendship. The term is no longer reserved for the exceptional person in our life but rather the group of people who stick around, whether they're really good friends and influences or not.

Being gay gives me, and every other gay man, a tremendous advantage in friends. People either love us or hate us, so determining who is even worthy of attempting a friendship with is quite easy. Anyone too narrow-minded to accept me for who I am isn't someone I would want to be friends with anyway, so it really serves as a deterrent to stupidity and bigotry. On the other hand, being gay guarantees drama. There is just no way around it. No matter how hard we try (the few gays who do not believe the answer to life is the thumpa-thumpa of a nightclub and a line of crack), drama is inevitable if you're gay.

It has something to do with the fact that if you're gay, everyone you date could potentially be dating your ex or they've already dated your next boyfriend. In the straight world, when a guy breaks up with his girlfriend, yes he may have to worry about his buddies going to date her, but he's not worried that he's already dated his buddy and that his friends have all slept with each other (at least not in this highly marginalized straight world example, although it is pretty accurate). Plus, being gay means that no matter how effeminate the guy, he's still a walking, raging, vile of testosterone, which means he's out to fuck. What that means is that being gay is very carnal. We try to put on a "straight" face and find love, sometimes even successfully, but the boy who's in love with his man but isn't getting laid by his man, is getting laid by someone else.

It's unfortunate that gay men (not so sure about the dykes; I should ask them sometime) are so promiscuous, but it's pretty much built right into the DNA. Women serve as the balance in straight relationships, and gay men spent so long fighting to be aloud to have sex that they never established a community sense of responsibility for sex; something to replace what society long ago relegated to women. It's not to say that women are necessary for a gay relationship to work or to keep men in check, but let's face it, men don't want to be kept in check for the most part. They want to sleep with whomever they want, when they want.

Okay, now that I've ranted on about the failures of the gay world to control its own horniness, I have to give credit to the gays for something that the "breeders" (yes, I still love you all) never could accomplish: honesty. The gays may be dramatic, we may be promiscuous at times, but at least we're honest about it. We are capable of relationships at least as deep and meaningful as any straight couple, because we're honest with ourselves and each other (for the most part; we still cheat and lie too); we tell each other when we think another guy is hot, we tell each other when we want to sleep with someone else, and we don't try to deny that we're men and sex is important. Therefore, when we do find someone worth settling down with, someone we really love and want to be with, the passion and desire to be together, to protect one other, and make it work is vastly superior. When we're ready to commit, we know what we're giving up because we've been honest with ourselves and the world.

It's a crazy world out there, and I for one and glad I'm gay. Despite the difficulties it occasionally brings, it really is so much easier.

Memorial Day

2008-05-26T15:36:00.003-05:00

See, now this is a holiday I can respect. It's arbitrary and we recognize it as such. We just picked a random day in the middle of the year to say thanks to everyone who has given his or her life to defend our country and our rights. I suppose the only reason I can really get behind a day like today is because there are men and women who have fought to protect this country even if they didn't agree with the fight we were waging. They knew that even if they didn't believe in this particular fight, the American values and people they do appreciate are more important than their own personal belief in a single issue or battle. I only wish this day remembered those who have fought for rights and freedoms within our country, because those battles are perhaps more important than those fought outside. What is there to defend if we don't maintain the values of this nation?

Broken

2008-05-19T02:25:00.002-05:00

There comes a time, no matter how strong you are, that you're tested beyond your limits. This is when your friends really shine. I'm a very strong, very outgoing, very together individual, but even I have my limit, and I reached it tonight. Fortunately for me, I have the most amazing friends in the world. Particularly two: my sister and another. My sister, who isn't my sister by blood, ALWAYS knows the right thing to say. She's always able to remind me of my destiny, of my strength, of me gifts. Then there's the other, my best friend. We have EVERYTHING in common, and we're both brilliant. Therefore, we fight all the time, but he's the most amazing person I've ever met. He understands me better than anyone. We may fight all the time, but in the end I know he'd be there for me, no matter what. He may not tell me what I want to hear, but he'll always tell me the truth, no matter how much it hurts and I thank him for that.

Weather

2008-05-14T22:58:00.004-05:00

I love this weather! It's amazing. I'm always in awe at the power and might of storms, especially when they're this potentially destructive, but they're also the greatest source of growth and life in the world. It's just utterly impressive!

It's the perfect weather of cuddling and making out by lightning light!

Holidays - A Mother's Day rant

2008-05-11T13:58:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I don't understand holidays. What's the point? Take mother's day and father's day for example. What makes those days special or unique? Personally, I believe if you're not going to honor or celebrate your parents any other day, you shouldn't celebrate them on that day. My mother and I are very close, but she knows I love her and she knows I appreciate what she's done for me, so she respects my desire to sleep on a Sunday in May instead of take her to an overcrowded restaurant, and as for my dad, I don't respect or like him most of the time anyway, so why would I go out of my way to celebrate his detrimental affect on my life one day a year?

The same goes for Christmas and Easter. If you're a Christian, you should be celebrating Christ and worshiping God every day, not just on Christmas or Easter, so if you're going to take part in gift exchanges and getting together with family on those days, do it for that reason, not because you're practicing a pagan ritual maligned to honor the birth and crucifixion of the Lord. It would be one thing if there was absolute proof that these events happened on the days we say they do, but otherwise, it's just an assignment of events to sometimes arbitrary, but often pagan dates.

Thanksgiving in the United States, at least for me, is the only real holiday. It doesn't try to be anything it's not. It doesn't try to acknowledge anything religious or significant except to say, "this is the arbitrary day we're going to give thanks for everything we have and give everyone a day off to be with their families." If we treated Christmas and Easter in the same way, I might not have such a problem with it, but to say that Christmas is a joke is an understatement of the greatest magnitude.

And that brings me to my least favorite holiday(s): Birthdays. I celebrate my friends' birthdays and my parents, but in reality, what is so special about a birthday? There is not acheivement to be recognized, nothing special except survival to be acknowledged. Birthdays are fun, but shouldn't we be more focused on celebrating milestones in change and growth, not in the ability to keep breathing? After all, you're just another day older than you were the day before.

Holidays named after people, such as President's Day or Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. day are also fairly obligatory to me. I agree that Dr. King was was an important man in history and the Presidents of the United States are important too, but they don't deserve a day. That somehow indicates they are better than everyone else who has made a difference in the world, just in a less prominent way. To say that Dr. King deserves a day to recognize his life is to relegate his achievements as less than the man. As for the Presidents, they've led a great country, but they were elected by the people and therefore are no better than the working mom at Wal-Mart or any other productive member of the country.

So Happy Mother's Day, everyone!

Chicago, the trip

2008-05-10T20:20:00.000-05:00

So, I finally have a few minutes to blog about my recent trip to Chicago, although I have to say I should probably make time to blog sooner next time since many of the details have slipped my memory by now.

I had an amazing time and met some amazing people, but mostly I just fell more in-love with the city. The energy and beauty that pervades Chicago is amazing and hard to dislike. I never once missed my car, even though I was completely dependent on the mass transportation systems of the city. I even had an experience on my last night there with a stalled train, but it turned out to be a good thing because I met some really cool people. We were all very intoxicated and decided the best way to pass the time was to sing Beatles' songs. Gotta say, being forced into a train with different people creates a desire to talk and make friends with people you probably would never meet or talk to otherwise.

Speaking of being intoxicated, I discovered my fondness for Cherry Vodka and soda. The fact that I managed to knock back about 5 of them before I even noticed is probably indicative of a good drink and possibly my latent alcoholism. But that's okay since I didn't have to drive. I was slightly impressed with myself the next morning because I didn't really remember how I got to the hotel from the 7-eleven I stopped at on the way back from the bar that night. I remember getting to the 7-eleven and taking the train, but the rest is a blur.

As for the people, they were amazing. On my previous trip to Chicago, I didn't get to meet any of the people I'd made friends with online, but this time I met several of them and it was a blast. They were all incredibly smart, kind, funny, and a little insane, which was perfect. It didn't hurt that a couple of the guys I met were hot and very sweet. I was so worried it would take me forever to meet cool guys and even date, but now I'm pretty sure that isn't going to be a problem. I may not be ready to date anytime soon, but knowing that the option is there is very comforting. It took me long enough to learn how to meet guys here in Dallas; I'd hate to have to go through all of that again, which just assures me that I'm not going to miss any part of Dallas.

I can't wait to move. I'm still not happy to be back here, but I get to go back in a few weeks and find a place to live. Should be fun, and invariably stressful, but that's alright. The stress of moving is a good kind of stressful when you don't really have anything else to worry about. Thus why I'm so anxious to move sooner rather than later. If I wait too long I'll be worrying about school and the move, which will likely prove too much and will negate the fun of either.

Alright, so it's time to have some fun tonight! I had a good day so far and hung out with a very cute guy I've known for about a year, but it's time to do something less responsible! :)

Enlgihs

2008-05-03T18:56:00.000-05:00

For anyone out there who is a grammar/English fanatic, here's a blog you should enjoy http://englishfail.wordpress.com/.

Chicago

2008-05-03T18:35:00.002-05:00

I don't have a lot of time to write about my trip right now, but I will later. I did, however, want to post about how disillusioned I am with returning to Dallas. After spending only a week in Chicago it already feels more like home than Dallas ever has and my desire to move has grown into something resembling a fanaticism. It's depressing being back here, away from the urbanism and life that Chicago exudes and Dallas simply does not. There's a lack of energy and wonder here. Maybe I'm just being overly dramatic, maybe I just don't want to leave the new friends I've made up there, or maybe I'm simply fabricating emotions to help ease the move later. Regardless, I'm not excited about being back, but I will make the most of it. At least I have some amazing friends here, although the fact that we were never out of touch while I was away might have something, if not everything, to do with my lack of homesickness.

Anyways, I'll post more details of the actual trip itself later, but I thought I should put down my initial reaction to coming "home" while I'm still feeling it. Perhaps as more time goes by I won't be so negative. It very well could be like when I was a kid and went to summer camp. I always hated leaving and coming back, but after a day or two I was back to normal, enjoying the same things I had before, or new things I found I could do at home I had done at camp. We'll see.

Lonely

2008-04-29T05:48:00.000-05:00

I'm sure I'm not the only person who has ever found him/herself lying awake late at night wondering why they can't sleep only to realize it's because they're lonely. At first I thought it was just that I miss having a boyfriend, someone to come home to, but then I realized that it was much more than that. I'm lonely in a much larger sense and I think it's why I'm so eager to move to Chicago soon. I'm not trying to run away from anything because there's nothing to run away from. With the exception of two very good friends, there's nothing left for me here.

My best friends and family have all moved away themselves and I'm pretty much the only one left, and now it's time for me to move on as well. This revelation came curteousy of my realization that I had no one to call at 4am anymore. In high school and in college I could have called any small hand full of people to discuss this with and they would have been glad to talk or even come keep me company, but now they're so busy with their own lives or so far away that it's not feasible. I need to find that again. I know that my high school friends will always be there for me and they are still always there for me, 4am or not, when major events happen in my life, but I find myself lacking friends to share the little stuff with anymore. The friends I have are great fun and I know they would always be there for me should something happen (i.e. drunk and needing a ride, death in the family, etc.) but life feels a little empty and lonely nonetheless.

I'm ready to move and these last few months seem like forever. I leave for my trip to Chicago tomorrow (Wednesday) and it should be a blast, but a big part of me doesn't want to come back. This city, this apartment, this place just has too many memories I'd rather not return to anymore. I'm ready to start over, make new adventures, make new friends. I love my friends that I have so much and I know that we're strong enough to survive the distance, so that provides a great deal of comfort in my move, which is perhaps why I'm not scared, just ready.

Anyways, I should probably try that sleep thing again. G'night

Margaret Cho

2008-04-28T18:02:00.000-05:00

I have never laughed as hard as I did last night at the Margaret Cho, featuring Liam and Kelly, concert. I'd seen her once before a couple years ago, but it wasn't nearly as funny as this time. The attached clips aren't necessarily from this tour, in fact it's from her Assassin tour and from Kelly's website, but it's some of the best Cho/Kelly vids I could find, so enjoy!

Family

2008-04-23T23:52:00.000-05:00

So, this is my last week of work at my current job and I'm actually a little sad to go. I'm going to miss working with my step-dad; it's the first time we've actually bonded in 15 years. We might even qualify as friends at this point, and definitely family. Nonetheless, I'm excited for my next job as well and even though I won't be working with my step-dad anymore, the bond we've somehow managed to form in-spite of our past differences will make the upcoming changes in my life that much easier. I'm not nearly as worried about leaving my mom in a couple months anymore because I know him much better and I feel like I can really trust him finally. It's a nice feeling, having a real family for the first time in my life.

I never really felt like I had anything close to a cohesive family unit before. It was always my mother and me, and my step-dad and my mother, but never all of us.

Alright, time for bed. I haven't been on time for work in almost a month and I think the last two days of work should exemplify not only my best work but my ability to show up on time, haha. There are benefits to working for family I suppose.

Allergies be Damned!

2008-04-20T17:48:00.001-05:00

This is the one part of spring I loathe: allergies. Every year they creep up on me and I suddenly get all groggy and stopped up and my throat starts to hurt. Thankfully this year, even though I may have the head-cold part, it will go away quickly and relatively painlessly because I don't have my tonsils anymore! Woot! Ok, so it may not be the most exciting thing in the world, but I'm looking forward to only feeling like crap for a day or so and then it being over instead of the two week tonsillitis I've endured every year prior.

Oh well, enough complaining; I'm stuck at home today so that I don't go out and make myself worse and end up really sick, but that's ok. I've got a couple new movies to watch, particularly Michael Clayton. I've heard that it's amazing, but I haven't gotten around to watching it yet and today seems like the perfect time. Maybe I'll even adventure out for a few minutes to get some ice-cream to enjoy with the movie. Cookies 'n Cream or Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.

That actually sounds really good, so I'm out!

Edit: So, I got the ice cream and the movie set up and never actually got around to watching it. I got sidetracked by blogs and friends. Oh well, another day :)

Toga!

2008-04-17T13:43:00.000-05:00

So I went to a toga party last night not really sure what to expect, but now, as I sit here with the hangover from hell, I can say I was pleasantly surprised! I met some amazing, brilliant people who, even under the influence of pretty significant amounts of alcohol, were able to discuss philosophy, religion, politics, relationships, and psychology. I was pretty much in heaven. The abundance of gorgeous, available, gay men in togas didn't hurt either, haha. I kept it PG, but had some fun flirting and getting hit on. It was a nice ego boost, especially with everything that's happened concerning my ex in the last couple months.

Thankfully my ex was no where near the party, but I did run into some people who knew him and were very nice to me, although they did let a minor detail slip: my ex cheated on me several times and he left me for the guy he cheated on me with! Ok, so not a minor detail and definitely not something you just "slip," but they assumed I knew and when they realized I didn't they were very apologetic. Although it hurts, it definitely makes it easier to move on and not worry about him so much. I'm not going to go so far and wish him any ill will, but I'm definitely not going to put any effort into helping him avoid it at this point, and since I can't be 100% sure that he cheated since I didn't catch him in the act, I'll just have to let Karma deal with it. If he did, he'll get what's coming to him; if not, then good for him, but I still want nothing to do with him.

Anyways, so that's my rant on my ex. I think I'm pretty much done ranting about him or blogging or even talking about him. It was a short blurb in the annals of my life, something I wouldn't choose to forget, but it's a quickly fading memory. I only write it down so someday I can go back and remember and hopefully keep from repeating the same mistakes. No more unintelligent, flaky, make-up wearing, purse toting (yes, he carried a purse; shoot me now), lying, back-stabbing, selfish, pretty boys! Ok, that's a long list of broad (and a couple not so broad) derogatory terms, but I'll refine what I'm looking for in another post when there isn't a bass drum playing in my head, lol.

I need to find food and a lot of water!

Consequences - Yes, it's personal

2008-04-16T02:34:00.001-05:00

I've been wondering lately how people, particularly young people, survive. Is it simply our innate resilience to harm, or is it something more profound, such as a guardian angel? I ask only because through observation of my peers, and myself, I find us, as an age group, to be rather ignorant and oblivious to consequences. We seem to perceive the world as an endless buffet of options and selections that will never harm us. In the end, however, we always get hurt and cry out asking, "why?!" The answer is usually quite simple: a choice we personally have made has had an unforeseen consequence. But aye, there's the rub. The consequence was not unavoidable or even unforeseeable, it was merely ignored or simply considered trivial and not worth a second thought.

Every choice, no matter how big or how small, has a consequence. The difference between a "good" choice and a "bad" choice lies in the balance of benefits versus consequences. Good choices result in a positive balance whereby the outcome is mostly in one's favor, where the negative ramifications of the decision(s) do not outweigh the negative. Bad choices are quite simply the opposite, where the benefits do not outweigh the damage. That doesn't seem to be a hard concept for anyone to grasp, but it does seem to be a concept that is flagrantly ignored in the name of "the moment," that infinite bit of time that will never let one down, that will always be there as the perpetual excuse for stupidity and lack of foresight.

But what about those decisions where the balance is neutral, where the positives and negatives of a choice don't balance, where they are either immeasurable or irrelevant? What then? This seems to be the biggest problem everyone faces when it comes to making choices. It's the root of indecisiveness (which I have suffered at the hands of more than enough). The trouble seems not to come from making a choice that will result in a truly neutral exchange, but rather in the concerted effort made by the deciding individual to try and obtain the benefits of both options and avoid the consequences of either. This usually results in a catastrophic collapse whereby an even greater number of consequences occur and little or nothing is gained. Unfortunately, I think young people (myself included) tend to have this problem more often than anything else, in relationships.

Young men and women, gay, straight, and everything in between, find themselves in love, lust, and infatuation. They make rash decisions, both good and bad, in and out of the relationship, that ultimately leave them at an impasse: they can either end the relationship or continue with it. In many cases, this is a prime example of a neutral decision. There is no "right" or "wrong" for most partners in this situation, there is no clear choice. The only thing that is clear is that choosing to end a relationship is hard, especially if it is a deeply emotional one. If or when the decision to break up is made, here is where the mistakes begin: the individual who has decided to leave (or both in many cases) try to have it all. They try to have their freedom and pursue their own lives, while at the same time they try to retain the "best" parts of the relationship they were in: the comfort, the friendship, the sex, the trust, the love.

The problem with this attempt to "have one's cake and eat it too" is that it ignores the fundamental concept of a "break-up" and the grand design of balance. It is not possible to tell someone you don't want them in your life and yet ask of them all that makes a relationship: comfort, friendship, sex, trust, and love. Now there are many relationships that end on good terms and the individuals involved remain friends, maybe even love one another, but if they continue to be involved physically and emotionally on the same level, it ultimately either leads back to the relationship, which at least one partner has already expressed they don't want, or it leads to an eventual melt down where everything is lost due to conflict with the original reason for the separation: a life outside the relationship.

Trying to "have it all" is a noble venture if it is undertaken with an understanding that every choice must be made with forethought and in recognition of the consequences, especially in young love. Unfortunately, youth does not come with a bounty of patience or any measure of clairvoyance. It does, however, come with an amazing ability to heal, to recover, to start again. Most people have to lose love at least once so they might truly appreciate the awesomeness of it, so mourn the loss, grieve, cry out and ask, "WHY?!" but embrace a choice, a side, revel in the benefits, and respect the consequences. Being young means there's always time to change, that perpetual "moment," so instead of only using it as an excuse of bad decisions, use it as a reason to grow and learn. Live your life as if you'll die tomorrow, but learn and grow as if you'll live forever.

Another One Bites the Dust

2008-03-13T21:00:00.001-05:00

I've never been one to put aside my own goals for someone else, and I've always considered myself to be driven and passionate about achieving my lofty aspirations; however, I've recently noticed that I give up a great deal in romantic relationships. I stop reading, writing, drawing; all the things that make me joyful in life. I become so sidetracked with the relationship, that I forget to be myself, which is ironic because it is usually these qualities others find attractive. I wonder if maybe one of the reasons my relationships don't seem to flourish is because I cease being the man they met and grew to love and become just another guy.

It is my unique qualities that make me, Me. It is my passions, desires, and ambitions that create the infinitely small and incredibly significant part of my being that distinguishes me from any other being. By giving those aspects up for convenience or simplicity in a relationship, I sacrifice my Who, and thereby become no more than a facade. Perhaps I'm the last to notice this, or the first on a conscious level, but if I know it's true, then it must have affected others in my life.

Being unique is not only beautiful, it's essential.

The Convenience of Love

2008-03-06T21:00:00.000-06:00

As a nation, we use "love" as an excuse for every action we take, good and bad. If we end up prematurely pregnant, love made us forget the condom. If we get married, love made us do it. If we kill our spouse for cheating, love made us do it. Love has become a convenience, a commodity to be traded and bartered with, an excuse for every action. It has reached such a state of convenience and necessity in our society that to be without "love" is to be poor and destitute by any normal standard.

So if "love" has become a mere idea to explain our actions and excuse our mistakes, then what are we to do when our heart aches and genuine Love takes over. Do we then blame it for our actions, for the pleasure and pain that comes with it? or do we build it into our lives, creating a strong foundation from which to create lasting relationships?

"It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." I'm not sure whether this statement has any value in a modern world. Personally, I'd say that true love is probably worth losing to say one had it, but from the heartache I've experienced in my life, however small it may be, "love" is not worth experiencing if it is only going to be lost. I don't even know what love is anymore. Is it that aching feeling I feel when I'm apart from the guy I like? Is it the pain I experience when he doesn't call? Is it the absolute and total joy I feel at his welcome kiss or the warmth of his neck when I hold him close?

"love" has lost all meaning in this world and it is truly a shame. We, the people of the U.S., have become so jaded, cynical, and disconnected from the world around us that not only do we see love as a means to an end, we've lost an understanding of what it truly means to develop and feel the most intimate connection we can with another human being. I'd like to believe I've experienced real Love, and maybe I have, but in a world where very few people feel Love, let alone understand or act upon it, does it make any difference if I feel it at all? When "love" is a convenience, a security blanket to run home to, is it really worth anything more than what the next highest bidder will pay? Is "love" ever enough to be happy, or does it ever turn into Love? Who knows.

I'm tired of being a convenience, I'm tired of being treated like a freak for wanting something real in this secular world, and I'm tired of being punished for not settling. I'm young, I've got a long way to go, but in the mean time, I'm hoping to find someone else who agrees with me that there should be more to this sacred emotion, the most written, sung, and talked about subject in the history of the world.

Patience

2008-03-02T20:58:00.000-06:00

Who the fuck decided that the correct response to, "Wow, I'm really disappointed that [insert something] didn't work out," or some variation therin, was, "Well, just have patience and it'll all work out." What the hell does patience have to do with a friend dying or losing your first love? What business is it of Patience whether or not my best friend has lost her way or I'm confused about the path I'm supposed to take in life?

Patience is not the answer to disappointment. Hard work, maybe; luck, probably; fate, maybe, God, definitely. I may not be happy right now, but this is my way of celebrating Easter. First off, I don't believe in celebrating Christ's death and resurrection on an ancient pagan holiday. It should be a celebration that never ceases, that you experience all year round. As for Patience and disappointment, screw it. Prayer, friends, and busting my ass is the answer to getting what I want. Sure, there's an element of waiting, of patience, but not the kind of Patience people use as an explanation and cure-all for loss, pain, suffering, and general disappointment with life. That kind of Patience is passive, sitting, waiting, hoping, but taking no action, making no move to make progress. Sometimes you have to watch and let things happen as they're going to, but that doesn't mean you can't prepare yourself for the best possible outcome rather than just hoping that when you get there you're ready.

I got screwed again, mostly by my own doing, but the last thing I want to hear is, "just be Patient," because that's the last thing in the world that will help me. What I need is to figure out why similar situations keep yielding similar results and change it.

The Infinite Pictures of Words...

2008-02-29T20:51:00.000-06:00

I was recently asked as to why my myspace and facebook accounts have only one picture. My first instinct was to respond, "because," but then I felt inspired and my response was this:

"I must ask, do not my words describe more fully the manner of my soul, the beat of my heart, the depth of my life and beauty? Does not the pen to the paper make me more of a man than a mere image of my appearance? or do your eyes behold nothing beyond the thin, delicate lines of the characters as they spill out in monotonous ques on the page? Should you look closer, you will see a portrait more detailed and rich than any canvas or painting yet so conceived by artistic man. 'They' say a picture is worth one thousand words, and yet I have not yet found one picture capable of telling the story of the word 'me,' and yet, therein that word, I am.

That is the reason why I do not have more than one picture on MySpace or Facebook; it's not me; it's only a visage, a pseudo-image, covering me, hiding me from everything, but in the word I am, I live, so that is where I will tend to Be, in the words that give me form."

Occasionally it's good to pass up the sarcastic retort with something a bit more insightful. Then again, sometimes the sarcastic comment will do just fine.

Hope and Cynicism

2008-02-27T03:32:00.000-06:00

The world may be going to hell in a hand basket, however I have recently begun to see that although the degenerative nature of society is unavoidable and ultimately a lost cause by design, that does not mean that humanity is a lost cause, nor does it mean that a new society, one born from the ashes of the old ways, violence and destruction, cannot take precedence and give new meaning and heart to humankind. Personally, I have spent far too much time being cynical about the world. Fortunately, I have never lost complete faith in the divine nature of the individual, of the innate goodness that each person is imbued with by whatever creator they believe in, and because of this I have found a renewed sense of goodness in the broader sense of human society and behavior.

Do I still think that most people would rather put their own desires over the needs of others? Absolutely; nonetheless, the closer I observe the world, the more I find young people resisting their selfish impulses and taking compassion on the less fortunate and destitute who undeservingly find themselves at the mercy of human generosity and kindness. The greatest obstacle seems to come from the old guard, those who wish to perpetuate the selfish tendencies and traditions of our historically patriarchal society and continue seeing the world in a vane and cynical light. I have been surprised, pleasantly, to see however that the younger generation of leaders, those of my generation, are not only resistant to these ancient and pedantic ideas, but seem intent on changing them by whatever means necessary.

I gave up hope on this society, the one I was born into, a long time ago, but recent events in my own world, as well as the World at large, have given me hope that a new society, one built on truth, honesty, and genuine compassion for human life, may take hold and renew humanity's tortured soul.

Land of the Censored and Betrayed

2007-05-08T00:25:00.000-05:00

The United States, known to most of the world as the largest pain in the ass ever created by protestant conservatives, or by any group of human beings, has long been touted as the land of the free, where those who desire justice and equality despite religious beliefs, gender, race, or disability have the opportunity to live their lives as they please. Unfortunately, the anti-Christ, also known as George W. Bush, the brainless moron elected by conservative elitists, and indirectly by the masses of uneducated men and women of voting age who are too lazy to cast their ballot, has descended upon this nation, turning the souls of its inhabitants into dark, cruel, maligned spirits who are only satiated by the blood of the innocent and the suppression of freedom to all those whose views and beliefs differ from the “majority,” which is a term I use loosely.

Under the United States constitution, the rights of the people have always taken precedence over any personal agenda of one person or party, with the first ten amendments drafted and ratified for that singular purpose, to stem corruption and guarantee the inalienable rights that all humankind is inherently granted, with the fourteenth amendment serving as the binding principal by which privacy is established as a right of the people; however, through the power of the Presidency, Bush and his lap-dog administration, along with Republican lackeys in congress, who have long since given over spine and soul to the corrupt call of money and power, have managed to enact laws and actions in direct opposition to the Bill of Rights, such as The Patriot Act, which denies citizens the right to any privacy at the discretion of the government. In addition to obliterating any sense of personal privacy, this damned country has witnessed many other abhorrent atrocities at the hand of Bush, such as the creation of new war-time powers for the President, allowing him to indefinitely extend the time our troops spend at war; anti-family laws; gay marriage bans in twenty US states; and the introduction of an amendment to the federal constitution that would fundamentally alter the country’s highest law to restrict marriage to “one man and one woman,” excluding hundred’s of thousands of law-abiding, loyal, patriotic citizens from basic rights and liberties guaranteed by the initial amendments, simultaneously breaking precedence set by all previous civil rights movements and amendments.

With an 32% approval rating , you would think that the people would have the power to impeach, recall, revoke, or have summarily executed, a President who is so incompetent, which would be fitting since he is, regrettably, from Texas, the state known for its revolving door death-chambers. After all, it is because of his loathsome arrogance, pride, and dimwitted understanding of world politics and history that he has sent more young men and women to their deaths than any inmate executed in a Texas state prison, ever. I am ashamed that Bush is from Texas and I am even more ashamed that I am from Texas, a state I took pride in before the stereotype of slow-minded, white trash, idiot was systemically affixed to me for merely sharing a geopolitical boundary with our asinine leader’s home.

Not only has the Bush administration seen to it that our rights and national image are destroyed, but they have managed to consistently keep the economy so strained by an unproductive war with no possible end that a very real chance of a total economic collapse has arisen. Not only has our rag-tag group of political leaders managed to bankrupt the nation, placing us further into debt than ever before, they have also managed to hinder and further disable an already ineffective, inefficient, and lamentable public education system that ranks last in the developed world. In 2005, a paltry 60 billion dollars was spent on education nationally; in 2006, the budget was cut by 1% after national test scores showed an overall decrease in performance with teaching incentives cut by 100% from an already low 68 million dollars in a time when schools of all levels are desperate just to fill teaching positions. In 2006, the Bush administration lobbied successfully for a 2.8% decrease in education expenditures for 2007. The “war on terror,” perhaps the greatest misnomer of the last one-hundred years however, has already exceeded the 2007 budget estimates and is posited at more than 150 billion dollars for 2007 alone, more than twice what will be spent on educating the future citizens of the country.

If I did not feel so attached to the historic good and salvageable future of this country, I would be on the next plane out of here, probably to our northern neighbors, for they, the Canadians, have made many moral, political, and ethical victories for their people that we, the overconfident, conceited, haughty neighbors to the south, refuse to even consider for fear of change. In-fact, we are so scared that we have, against every world trend, attempted to change the very document that has always set us apart, our Constitution, to indefinitely ban citizens from freedom of expression, religion, and happiness, the basic tenants on which the founding fathers strived to build this nation. Unfortunately, with each passing day, I, as well as many others, find this country a bittersweet place to live; however, options available to those seeking another place to reside are rare currently. Few other nations can afford the same opportunities this once great, and potentially great, nation offers, but the number is growing rapidly as this country loses sight of its heritage and other nations rise to the challenge of offering a Land of the Free.

How much are we willing to sacrifice in the name of familiarity and saftey? When do we, the people stand up and say we've had enough? A revolution is coming; the only question left is what kind? Unless we, the people, stand together, educated and free, everything we love will be lost, but with morons like this http://www.jeffhead.com/liberty/flagdistress.htm amongst us, it may be a lost cause.

From the US Flag Code: "The flag should never have placed upon it, nor on any part of it, nor attached to it any mark, insignia, letter, word, figure, design, picture, or drawing of any nature," as Bush autographs it in permanent marker.

An upside down flag, a sign of grave disrespect unless used as a sign of dire emergencey, in 2006 at a rally in California.

The Human Massacre: Life, Feelings, and Integrity

2007-04-17T20:59:00.000-05:00

Monday, April 16th, 2007 at 7am EST, a yet unidentified gunman began a rampage through the campus of Virginia Tech University, slaughtering 33 innocent students and injuring at least 15 more. We don't know what the motive of the gunman was or who his target might have been, but all we do know is, according to university president Charles Steger, the violence was "senseless;" but what violence isn't senseless? Is there any justifiable excuse for killing another human being? The answer is no. You can argue with me all you like, but you're wrong; that's all there is to it; you're wrong. There is no acceptable reason to EVER kill another human being. Would I do it if someone were to threaten my sisters or friends? Yes, I would, but that does not mean that I am in the right. No, there may be no other means to protect my family and loved ones, but it is still not right.

There is no value placed on Life anymore. Life cannot be weighed, measured, or exacted, therefore it has no value in our modern, American, capitalistic society where the value system is so drastically tied to the monetary system. Life, due to changes in cultural understanding of "worth," has declined to a mere commodity, something that is a luxury, not a right. You do not have the right to exist anymore and neither do I. We are afforded that luxury so long as we do not a) interfere with a person's monetary gain, b) offend someone for any reason, or c) live a life that anyone can object to. Therefore, we are all targets for being murdered and it being "justifiable." I once had the unfortunate displeasure of meeting an individual who claimed, "I'd like to feel what it's like to kill someone someday. I think it'd be a rush." When did we become so selfish and jaded that we could voice such an opinion without fear, without any thought that for us to experience that rush, we must end another person's life? It can really be traced back to multimedia. Not just television and movies, but video games, especially those that allow us to live out our fantasies of murder, desensitizing ourselves to the point that we can no longer distinguish between the rush of killing a pixel-generated character and a Living person?

When did we trade in our feelings, our emotions, our moods, for guns and violence? I'd like to believe that guns and violence affect our emotions, feelings, and mood, but at this point, I can't believe that. There are just too many people who don't find movies like "Hostel" and "The Hills Have Eyes" disturbing. They revel in watching other people be raped, tortured, murdered, eviscerated, and cannibalized. There is no humanity left, only people. When this ordeal began, I had already given up hope for humanity at large, but I still thought there might be a hope for individuals, but after seeing the reactions of those around me throughout this disgusting day, my faith is gone. There are good people out there, but the idea that the majority are good, is gone. I spent the day feeling physically sick and emotionally disturbed, but when I told people what was going on, the most common reaction I got wasn't emotional, it was, "Oh. That sucks. I guess that's just the way the world is going these days." Even my best friend made comments to the effect of, "well, there are worse things going on in the world," and I had to wonder what could ever make someone so disconnected from his world, from his fellow man, to think that there are worse things than the loss of life. Sure, there are mass genocides going on throughout the world and it's absolutely awful and I feel for them, but what I want to know is why are the deaths of 33 innocent college students any less valuable and upsetting than the deaths of 33,000 innocent Africans? The numbers may be astronomically larger, but I guess I just can't see why it takes thousands of innocent deaths to be an emotional issue, but 33, the single largest gun murder incident by any one person, isn't just as emotional and disturbing.

I remember in HS there was a young man, who I never knew personally, that committed suicide and I spent days in a state of absolute shock with my stomach upset, crying, and just not understanding what could drive anyone to that extreme, but when I looked around me, no one else really seemed to care. They would hear the news and either continue on with their normal lives like nothing had happened, like there was no one missing suddenly from the world who shouldn't be, OR, even more disturbing, they would begin gossiping excitedly about why he might have done it or where or how, all the things that didn't matter. My peers were so delusional even 5 years ago that they not only didn't care, but couldn't care, that a fellow student had taken his own life. Yes, there were others who were upset, but they were not the majority reaction. Humans used to care about each other, about what happened to other individuals in other places; but now that we live in a world where we are able to be more connected than ever before, we CHOOSE to distance ourselves further and further apart by destroying our emotions, turning them off, cutting them out and never looking back.

I don't know what is to come, but it will take men and women of incredible integrity and feeling to change the course of mankind from its destructive path. There will be more suffering and more violence; there will be hatred and destruction; there will be death and evil before a new way is found, a new understanding is reached. Risks must be taken, peaceful revolution must be made, and a great move back towards our primordial nature as feelers and thinkers must occur. Teachers will have to fight the established rules that cripple their ability to teach life, not just tools; businesses will have to choose the greater good over money; and parents will have to become responsible for their children's education in a much broader sense. We are the only 1st world country, and perhaps the only country, that permits our offspring to remain "children" until the age of 25. Even cultures that thrive on large nuclear families insist upon the independence of their children by no later than 18, often much earlier than that. If we are going to allow our children to remain "children" until they are well into adulthood, then we, as a society, must take more responsibility in raising them, in teaching them, and in shaping their connection to other human beings, especially those outside "friends" and "family."

The larger human connection has been lost and it must be found if the human race is to survive itself.